deathtoforls

Shoot me in the face, I broke my best friend's heart

And it sucks. I love this man like I love my mother, and yet somehow I am capable of hurting him about as much as I've ever hurt anyone.

How you ask? I cannot be with him in a romantic sense. I will not move in, I will not date him. Why? Well, for one I am seeing someone...and also, because I'd fuck him up. Not intentionally of course, but inevitably I would shatter his heart and shit on it if we were together. I do not deal in fragile hearts.

Now I've successfully lost another good friend, my best friend. I only hope it's hurting me as much as my "rejection" is hurting him.

From the start I claimed I couldn't handle a relationship. Then I start seeing someone. Yeah, I'm a flaky cunt like that.

I can't help that I'm enamored with someone that probably will never be as enamored with me as I with him. Maybe I'm wrong...I don't know if I am, I don't really care if I'm right. Seems my forte is self-torture. I know I have love for many people, but there's only one that when I see his number on my caller id I always answer. Sounds silly, yes, but I never claimed to be above my own immature goofy rationale.

So, after much time spent with my friend, it became apparent he was falling hardcore. Which made me nervous, because I could easily fall for him if it werent for being in love with another. And that's right about when he started throwing out what I like to call pseudo-ultimatums. You know, the kind that are meant to make someone take action, but you believe will never be backed up.

Well, he backed it up, sorta. It was a choose or lose situation. Try with him, or suffer the consequences of a trashed friendship and a missed opportunity.

It's obvious who was chosen and who was not. And though he says someday we can resume our friendship, I wonder. I wonder if I'm an assclown for my choices. I wonder if my heart is wrong. I wonder why on earth he thinks this was an easy decision to make.

He sees it as win/win for me because "I have someone." Yeah, I have someone, and I also have the anguish that goes along with telling someone you love dearly that you can't be with them because you're in love with someone else, after they've told you you're the only one for them.

This sucks frankly...and it's precisely why I never wanted to embark upon another relationship with anyone ever again. Remove all attachment and you remove the potential for hurting others. So much for my plans...I can't control my heart, much as the ability to would simplify my life.

Sometimes I write on here as if no one will ever read it but me. I wonder how much of a mistake that is. I wonder a lot lately. I really (obviously) don't give much of a damn who reads what I write, but it always gets me to thinking...who am I? And how do I come across? I feel like a cold-hearted bitch right now, because I cannot appease or please everyone in my life. Hell, I can't even make myself happy half the time...not that I can "make" anyone happy.

I need a purpose, a goal, a plan. I need certainty and stability. Maybe I just need time. Maybe I need a change.

Going to Houston Monday night to see a certain someone. That's about the only thing keeping me looking forward to the weeks ahead. That and my dad's memorial, which isn't so much a happy thing as it is a means for closure. Being on the road for 28 hours each way locked in a car with my mom is actually appealing to me at the moment. We never get girl time anymore, and it will be nice to reminisce about my dad and life without my younger brothers cracking smart ass jokes the whole time.