deathtoforls

Just got back from Pace Bend. Drove out to get away from the overwhelming sorrow that is pervading my household at the moment. Seems the more affection I get right now, the more hysterical I become. It's been many a year since I wept so profusely and with such vigor. Took Kemlo, my favorite doberman, out there with me to catch a glimpse of the sunset. For some reason, it was more spectacular and meaningful than any sunset I've ever witnessed. Almost as if it was my old man's way of saying adios, though I'm in a very suggestible state of mind, so it was probably just a figment of my imagination. I really couldnt care less what it was, I'm just feeling fortunate to have witnessed something so brilliant.
I probably would feel less upset about my fathers death if it werent for our last communication... if it could be called that. My mother and younger brothers (who have a different dad) went to the Keys 3 weeks ago. I was unable to go due to my job....fucking fascists. While my family was out there I became quite ill with an upper respiratory triggered by a nasty cocaine habit. So, I call out there to talk with my mom about going to the doctor, and have to call my dad's phone to reach her as they were out on the boat. My last words to him were: dad, is mom there? No hello, how're you doing, are you feeling better....nada....I was cold, almost intentionally. We have a strange relationship. I didn't see my dad from 1 year until I was 13, at which point I went to live with him for the summer. Honestly the best memories I have are of that summer. Well, we talked on the phone until I was 18...had a fight, and communication has been somewhat lacking ever since. We hadn't spoken in over a year when I called out there to speak with my mother 3 weeks ago. My words caused him to tell my mother he thought I hated him, which certainly she never would have told me had anyone thought he was going to die. Over Christmas he called everyday for 2 weeks straight, I never returned 1 call. So, essentially, my father died alone, thinking I hated him. How could I be so callous? I knew he was quite ill for many years now, but chose to deny it, to think he was secretly enjoying being a hyperchondriac. And now, now he is gone, and I can't remedy the past. I love my father...his ideas, his communistic attitudes towards politics, his crazy sense , or lack thereof, of fashion. The fact that he truly believed I wasnt his child for years but still acted as my father breaks my heart to this day. After my mother left him 23 years ago, he had 2 girlfriends...very short term relationships. He hermited himself away and committed himself to a life of lonliness, and what did I do? I ousted him from my life without a second thought, because I was a snot nosed brat. I have so many regrets, and perhaps someday I will learn from them.

Last words clipped and curt
Years of benign indifference and unspoken emotion, juvenile facades of callous vindication
Only now as tranquil waves lap soft lime do I realize the error of my ways
Five years of denial and judgement
I paid no mind, cast a blind eye
Unanswered questions and I
Content to wander the road of disillusionment and rancor


Thanks to everyone for being there for me. Your support is appreciated more than you could know.