deathtoforls

The morning is fresh and balmy, I find myself as I usually do at this time, blueberry tea in hand and my head awhirl with nostalgia. Why is it blueberry tea does it every time? This time of the day almost makes me miss being married. Right now I'd be rolling over in bed, hiding deep inside the covers, trying to go back to sleep after spending an hour making him breakfast, packing him a lunch. I always hated when he left, but I cherished it as well, it was then that I would receive the sweetest, most gentle goodbye kiss complete with a heartfelt I love you. The tragic thing about being single: you never hear those three words, they are long gone for me and the uncertainty of never hearing them again turns my stomach to knots. He's moved on, I realize as I write this he's probably thinking of the day ahead, his plans with the new girlfriend tonight, anything and everything but me. I keep telling myself I'm happy for him, because I truly am, I just wish I wasnt so expendable that I could be reduced to a fleeting thought after 5 years of marriage, 8 years of friendship. Mornings like this make me long for necessary evils...marriage, kids, the beaver cleaver life, and though I know that's not what I want/need right now, it doesnt make it any easier. I spent my first night off work sleeping, which is good, and I actually was able to eat and hold down a rice and veggie bowl last night. I am proud of myself.....it was a difficult task but I did it. On the downside, I missed homemade pizza night at my friends house last night as I was snoozing heavily at the time. He was all too forgiving about my standing him up. Funny thing about forgiveness...it inspires guilt. I have a completely open schedule today and cannot think of a damn thing to do...I am such a wuss about going places alone, I hate doing stuff alone, but then again I hate calling my friends and "bothering" them. Strange, they are my friends, I should feel able to call at any point, but I'm always thinking I'll be waking someone up, or disturbing them. For this reason my nickname is no-call within my circle of friends, and I'm glad they find it funny....I find it stupid. Well, I'm off to plan away, perhaps I can find a good spot to sunbathe in today and just relax, that is if the sun plans to come out.