deathtoforls

I fucked up again! Usually, I am the most dependable and responsible employee at my job, but not so as of late. Last night, after spending almost 40 hours awake, I decided to "nap" before work. I headed into the bedroom and wearily fell into bed at half past eight, knowing I would have to be at work by 11:30, knowing it was a bad idea to lay down. Well, I had my doubts that I would be able to wake up, but I never thought I WOULD NOT wake up. So, at 12:45, I finally am able to be roused after several lengthy attempts, and I awaken to my mother being a total bitch to my supervisor at work on my cell phone. Hmmm....this is bad on many levels. I've already been suspended for tardiness, and am just recently off of probation at work. Well, to make a long story short, I was suspended a few months ago because I was realllllly late once, by 2 hours, but this was right during my divorce, and right after I had an abortion, so you'd think they wouldve cut me some slack. Nope, no slack for me....work slave work!!! So here I am, 5 months later to the day, late again by an hour and a half. And instead of just reprimanding me, I get interrogated about my personal life...why am I so unreliable lately they ask....to which I reply, lately, hell I was late once! Mother trucker...yeah, my personal life is the reason I was late, but why does it matter? Late is late. So this morning I find myself explaining why I always look tired lately, why I never eat at work, why I'm spiraling "out of control"... their words, not mine. I felt like screaming out "look motherfuckers, I have an eating disorder, vomiting everything you eat tends to make you tired, and on top of it I have narcolepsy, SO QUIT RIDING MY SHAFT! IM WORKING ON IT!" But of course I sat there, meek and remorseful and kissed some major ass, promised it wouldnt happen again, promised to take better care of myself. I feel like no matter how hard I try I always fuck something up. And how is it I've been oblivious to the fact that everyone there is secretly talking behind my back about my eating habits, or lack thereof, and my sleep schedule? I honestly don't see it as being obvious...I don't come in with messy hair, or bleary eyes. I'm ALWAYS in a good mood, even when I'm not. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Life is so fucking frustrating right now. So much fucking melodrama....I just want to be left alone, like everyone else that works there and is late on a daily basis. My drive home was spent weeping....and instead of freaking out about possibly losing my job, I was freaking out about curtailing my vomiting. Yep, I have my priorities straight. Some days I am so "together" and then there are days like today, when nothing falls into place, when all I want to do is slink away to the furthest corner of the earth and hibernate eternally. I'm tired of this body, this mind that never stops thinking. I'm tired of lying, and hiding things about myself that are undesirable in some sick effort to be accepted and viewed as "normal". Fuck normal. So instead I am going to be brutally honest with everyone I know, and I'm going to eat and keep it down, and go to work on time, and try to achieve a non-existant perfection that is completely unrealistic in every way, and perhaps then I will be happy, then they wont ride my ass, then life will be easy. I'm such a whiny bitch sometimes....I don't have problems compared to what the rest of the world is dealing with, yet I can't help but bitch about poor fuckin me. Self loathing is a sick sick practice that leads to nothing but misery. I will quit fucking up, it isnt like me to be so macabre and self involved. I like ignoring my problems, pretending they arent there, and moving on with life. Apparently this stance has not helped me in the least...as I continually fuck up somehow. Strange how much better I feel after polluting my page with this nonsense...how cathartic. So now you all know what a fuck up I really am, and in a way it's a huge relief, because I don't think I'm very convincing when I write with hesitation and deceit. I suck in many ways, and hey, fuck it, it's ok...because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me. I need a session with Stuart fuckin Smalley. Put my oh so fucked life into perspective. Maybe I wasnt meant to live during this lifetime, maybe, just maybe I shouldve held out for something more to my liking....say a time where work, money, and vanity arent the number one priorities, where being good is better than looking good, where aesthetics are not prized but strength and character are. Maybe I'll stop now, before contaminating the masses with mindless self absorbed drivel. To anyone brave or stupid enough to read this in its entirity, I'm sorry, and thank you.