deathtoforls

"Well, at least you have identified the problem even if you don't know it, its you and nobody else. Why sit and wait for someone to show up or call, much like your dog waiting to see what you want to do. You are not a dog and shouldn't behave like one. You have gotten yourself convinced that you are just there to be used, first by your ex and then the last guy you broke up with and now by your job....stop being a victim and stand up for yourself. It will be the hardest thing you have done so far in your young life but it will be worth every heart-wrenching minute of it when you come out the other side with the realization that YOU are in control of your life. Start small, the next time work calls when you should be off, don't answer the damn thing, and no more waiting for HIM to call, thats bullshit, I have read some of your blogs and you seem like a nice person, why would you wait for some loser to show up or call??....NO SELF RESPECT...you can work on that, its not as scary as it seems....now, tell your dog to go lie down, your busy. "

My first reaction to a recent comment made (as posted above) was that of righteousness...who the fuck are you? After rereading and reconsidering however, I see wicked's point. Yeah, the self respect is running a bit low in certain areas, but the waiting around on losers was a passing phase. Guess I was only waiting around because I had nothing better to do, or so I thought. However...I have detached and am perfectly content now that the expectation has vanished and the pseudo relationship has been obliterated. Loser a-hole recently told me I had a lot to learn about life...that sanctimonious, immature fool! Who is the one at 23 years of age that is looking for a wife? Now, I hate to be a judgemental bitch, but any "boy" that thinks he's man enough to settle down at such a young age and spend the rest of his life with one woman...is lying to himself and has a lot to learn about life. Hmmm, bitter you ask...yes, yes I am. If there's one thing I hate, it's little boys telling me what I'm doing wrong while they make mistake after mistake, with no accountability for their own actions. The conclusion I've come to: I was not meant for monogamy, at least not right now. I view monogamy as archaic and trite...a facade of happiness complete with white picket fences, a two car garage, and 50K in debt. It's not so much pessimism at this point as it is a realistic observation of the world of relationships as I have seen them. Just five months ago I could not imagine a life without my husband...now I cringe at the thought of being married again. Perhaps it is selfishness that deters me from seeking the "fairytale." My ability to compromise has shifted drastically from my typical whatever you want to I'd rather not. If only I could find a balance and stop bouncing from one extreme to the other. The older I become, the more willing I am to meander briefly in those gray areas of supposed normalcy. My only issue with the gray is this: without pain can pleasure truly be appreciated? A truly utopian society could only be esteemed if the opposite preceded it...otherwise there would be no gauge to judge by. I don't know if this is even sensical to anyone besides myself and I honestly don't care. So the roadtrip with the co-worker is set to go down sometime this weekend. I have a sense of impending doom at the thought of being trapped in a car for hours, far away from home. My hope is that everything will go smoothly and it will be a nice ending to a catastrophe of a relationship. Perhaps we can be friends, but I may go apeshit if I have to listen to a list of advice as maligned as I expect. Many words used in the wrong context in this post...but I'm tired and careless. I have an entire week off of work and hopefully will get my cumulative and ever present to-do list done. Procrastination is my worst vice as of late, and the consequences are becoming insurmountable. With that said, perhaps I should quit spending so much time bitching to my blog and get my head in the game.