deathtoforls

This morning finds me half asleep with eyes wide open...the slew of unwritten replies to emails received days ago insurmountable and intimidating. How can I force sincerity when I feel it, yet I'm too lazy/exhausted to do more than cut and paste, form letter fashion? So instead I devote my energies to the "blog o' bitchin." Procrastination was never my worst vice, though as of late, it seems to be my priority. Talked with the ex-husband today and can't seem to understand his preoccupation with his new large girlfriend. After 5 years I havent the slightest clue what I'm expecting, but I would appreciate more than a 7 am Sunday morning call to find out where his Inxcredibles dvd is. Am I asking too much to want to remain friends? Hell, if it were up to me, we'd still occasionally sleep together, but that's a stupisd idea- wrought with only sorrowful outcomes. I can't explain my need to be held, to go to sleep and wake up next to someone, nor do I comprehend it. I'm a bed and cover hogger anyways, I should be thrilled to have a queen bed to myself, though I find myself intentionally staying up to avoid that late night lonliness that plagues my tired bones. Is there a man alive that understand the need for tactile non-sexual stimulation? I'm starting to wonder. So many men willing to promise platonic friendship, yet so few willing to actually pursue platony. In one sense, I'd enjoy nothing more than falling in love ansd having a clear picture of the future, and in another, the thought of vowing my forever to another is terrifying. Do I want comfort and security or excitement and intrigue? Why can't we all have our cake and eat it too??? My plight extends far beyond the world of sex and into life in general at the current time. I'm tired of becoming easily bored yet can't seem to figure a solution. And the horniness...I've never been so preoccupied with thoughts of sex in my entire life. See a cute guy, want to jump his bones. No longer do I romanticize what could be between us, in fact, that thought process is long gone. One track mind these days...so I guess what I needs is a guy to screw, and a guy completely disinterested in sex but dying to cuddle constantly. If that's not a tall order I don't know what is. Why is my happiness seemingly wrapped around acceptance by those of the opposite sex? And not only do I want all that, but I'm picky...shame shame. Unattractive, no deal, uneducated, no deal...too attractive and overeducated, well, then I feel inadequate and still no deal. Such a precarious balance to be met, which is possibly a positive thing as I'm obviously too confused to subject anyone to my psychosis. I could ramble on for days about my misgivings ands misunsderstandings of the world, but then I'd just be putting you poor souls reading this into comas, which cxertainly wouldnt behoove any of us, so with that I'll say goodnight. I hope my confusion can evoke clarity in someone...Miss Cleo where are you?