I just made the mistake of reading a few of my past journal entries. Wow. Frightening on many levels. Midway through my masochistic perusing, I realized something inside me just sorta snapped at a certain, undiscernable point. Funny thing is, I can't decide whether I'm more balanced now, or simply generic.
I've apparently dumbed myself down substantially. Perhaps it was the 18 months spent in DC, or the fact I'm becoming old and cranky. Whatever the reason, I'm finding it more difficult with each passing day to form actual friendships. For the first time in my life I have a serious depletion of friends. Sadly, it all comes down to laziness. I don't like being needed outside of work because I'm a total flake. I hate plans, commitments, investments.
At one time, I might have been able to chalk it up to being burned too many times. At this point, I'm so fricking exhausted by the most menial task (outside work) that I've given up on socializing. I can't even bring myself to pick up the goddamned phone and call my best friend, who I've seen twice since I moved back last April.
I can't figure out who I really am anymore. I know what I want, but the motivation is absent. I have taken on a "whats the point" mentality that just ISN'T who I am. At one point, I despised apathy. I'm starting to think it's acceptable.
Scott has been up my ass to go to poker on Wednesday nights with him, but I can't imagine anything I'd rather do less than that. And it isn't a being around him thing...for christsakes we work together, live together, sleep together...we pretty much do everything together short of using the bathroom. Which is great. But I need to take a class, or have a hobby (other than working outside of work). And is it that I really want that, or simply want to feel like a "normal" person.
I don't know. I just don't know.
I've apparently dumbed myself down substantially. Perhaps it was the 18 months spent in DC, or the fact I'm becoming old and cranky. Whatever the reason, I'm finding it more difficult with each passing day to form actual friendships. For the first time in my life I have a serious depletion of friends. Sadly, it all comes down to laziness. I don't like being needed outside of work because I'm a total flake. I hate plans, commitments, investments.
At one time, I might have been able to chalk it up to being burned too many times. At this point, I'm so fricking exhausted by the most menial task (outside work) that I've given up on socializing. I can't even bring myself to pick up the goddamned phone and call my best friend, who I've seen twice since I moved back last April.
I can't figure out who I really am anymore. I know what I want, but the motivation is absent. I have taken on a "whats the point" mentality that just ISN'T who I am. At one point, I despised apathy. I'm starting to think it's acceptable.
Scott has been up my ass to go to poker on Wednesday nights with him, but I can't imagine anything I'd rather do less than that. And it isn't a being around him thing...for christsakes we work together, live together, sleep together...we pretty much do everything together short of using the bathroom. Which is great. But I need to take a class, or have a hobby (other than working outside of work). And is it that I really want that, or simply want to feel like a "normal" person.
I don't know. I just don't know.