deathtoforls

sometimes life is so...hopeless. i'll say i'm happy, even smile as i wash down my pills. pills that do nothing. pills that cost too much to do nothing. i'm in a rut. my creativity is shot. i utter monosyllabic words 95% of the time. i look back at my actions and see nothing but damage. i look around and see everyone around me reaching out in desperation as their lives crumble. i watch the ceiling and cant sleep. i go out and drink too much to give an illusion of happiness, all the while seething with a silent rage that screams IM NOT HAPPY. i cant quit thinking for 5 seconds but am tormented by the emptiness inside my heart. i am more fucked up than i've ever been, and yet im better than ive ever been. im confused by this life and want a new one. i want. how american of me. i deserve...what ive gotten.