deadofwinter

So im sitting there at work listening to clients complain about this and that, feeling the evil stares that my boss was shooting me and I suddenly zoned out for a bit. See this week I have been looking at work in a way that I have heard many look at something to see if it is worth it. I used the good vrs bad scale. I started looking at the last two weeks of work and realized that I am having more bad days than good there. So I should find a new job right? I mean when I was married, the troubles got so bad between me and my wife that I had to start looking at it like that. As I began to suspect the second affair, my first thought was to as always, work it out. But then I realized that looking at the last couple of years, we had more bad days than good. So I left her and divorced her. Then as I sat in my chair zoning, I started to look at life in that scale. And no matter how I broke it down it came out the same everytime.
more bad years than good years
more bad months every year than good months
more bad weeks out of every month than good weeks
more bad days of the week than good
and even more bad hours of the day than good
Then I got really sad cause with life its not as easy as other things. I cant quit my life and find a new one. And I cant divorce my life and marry a new one.
I know people change and do other things, etc.. And since this last "restart" of my life after the divorce, I have tried so many different things to be happy or atleast moving in a positive direction towards it. But I havent gotten anywhere with any of it...
Murphys Law can suck my cock!! The dirty bastard... I can have all the things that dont matter to me but cant have the one thing that does.... human companionship....
Ive looked for it... Ive looked in the right places and the wrong places and its just not there. anywhere....
Life is fucking with me so hard these days that it is screwing with my health again...
So now I am left feeling confused, conflicted, disconnected and sad because I fear that I just need to face the facts and except my life the way it is because it is too hard to struggle everyday like I have been for a long, long time and I dont forsee anything changing for an even longer time...