deadish

I am fluctuating rapidly between major anger and fucked-offedness and don't give a fuckness or at least trying not to give a fuck-ness at the moment. The business has fully consumed my life and at the moment it's like having a new toy with no batteries Everything is ready and looks great - I have a sign and window graphics I love, racks, tills bags, etc etc just no stock. My orders are ready to go but due to a bank fuck up, i.e my credit card has not arrived yet I can't pay for them. I'm sitting here like a lemon now, though a really busy lemon with a bad temper, waiting for money to clear that I have moved so I dont need the stupid business credit card.
This isn't actually the source of my anger at the moment tho. I am fairly chilled out about the stock and the shop opening and everything. I'm angry mainly because I've been fairly well fucked off by everyone. None of my permanent staff are prepared to cut their notices short to come and help me out now, everyone's like 'after xmas' Kat finished her notice and since the job agreement we had sort of became invalid I told her to approach me for shifts if she wanted them but she hasn't. I'm not sure if shes annoyed at me for not turning up for drinks after her final shift, except that I did but she wasn't where she said she'd be. I would've gone wherever she wanted if she'd rung me but she didn't, and why didn't i bother? cos I'm tired of always being the activist. Kat's pacifsm drives me up the wall. John thinks it's obvious that there is bad blood between us but I don't think thats true. I think I'm just very unapproachable at the moment.
I'm feel a little out of control, I'm barely seeing or talking to anyone at the moment cos I'm either alone in the shop or on a solo shift at the cinema, I'm not eating or sleeping much, I've lost loads of weight and no matter how much I say I am sick of hearing myself talk about the shop and all associated crap I can't get it out of my system and shut the fuck up. Credit to Jo for taking me out for hot chocolate and cake this morning tho, we talked about university crap.
My mum said that if my dad were here he'd say that this is all character building but given that I used to quite like my character I wonder if all the crap I have dealt with before built my character so much that everything happening now is just destroying it? I'd like to tell everyone who has let me down to fuck off cos I can manage on my own except that I've reached a point that I just can't manage alone anymore and I know I won't feel like this once the christmas period is over and the pressure eases.

I did say I was allowed to bitch in here didn't I? Apologies to everyone whose journals I haven't commented on recently, I'd probably only rant in there about price stickers or cd cases or something. I'll get round to it soon.

P.S I get to see return of the king TONIGHT haha!