What a day. I got out of work an hour and a half late only to find my car wouldn't start. I asked a co-worker for a jump...no dice. She was kind enough to take me to get a new battery. Still didn't work. I played around with the connections for a while but to no avail. I called back to Auto Zone to find out what else might be the problem. A customer there said he's a licensed mechanic and he'd come look. He played with the cables for a couple seconds and got it to start. I felt like an idiot. He said the wires were bent and corroded so I guess I'm not a complete retard. Oh, well. He charged me $25 which is a hell of a lot less than I would've paid some grease monkey to look at it or tow it back to his shop.
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glad to hear it was a relatively easy fix though