deadfishies

Had a birthday party last night. Got a Katy Perry cd, a lunch box from a video game, a hippy outfit, my favorite perfume, some jewlery, some money, a cup for ice cream, and various other things. And I'm still not happy. Although when my birthday came and went, I didn't care. I didn't care for gifts, for a drink, for anything. All I cared about what that everyone else around me was ok...even when the day was all about me.
My dad's friend just died, my boyfriend and I are depressed and having trouble, my sister was raped, my parents are battling in court, my sister is moving and my dad hates it, hates her, hates everyone, everyone is an asshole because they don't know...don't know about Josh and I, our life together, and everyone, well, not everyone, believes the possibility of me being gay. People think we should split, and I'm thinking...where has my life gone? What have I ever wanted my life to be? Will I ever figure out who I am or what I want?
Its all very confusing, and hurtful, not only to me, but to everyone, Josh, else. I don't want to hurt anyone, and everyone's hurt is on me...and I have never cared about or loved myself....is that why I am so unhappy?
This pain is overpowering, and I have no idea how to make it all go away, and focus on myself for once. But I don't love myself, and if I don't love myself, how can I expect anyone else to love me...or even to love anyone else. My life, the life I knew, is ending. Will a new, fresh one, begin? Can I be sure of anythiing at this point?