dead_squishy

Just had an arguement with a friend. nothing to serious really. I was just talking to her about the fact that i'm lonely. Which we have talked about before, since we are in similar situations. But her solution to my problem is always the same. Move out of B-town. She say that i'll never meet anyone living in this town and to move to a city. I found someone special in a small isolated town once before and cant see how this town should be any different. i know statistically speaking, there is more chance of me meeting someone in a city. But everything else here i really like. You can't force love to happen. She moved to a city for that reason, to find someone. She's been there 2 years and has only found short crappy relationships. she has a job she hates that is only part time and crap, she has only 3 or 4 true friends there and isn't really happy with her life. But she has a lot to distract her. Much as I felt like sayin this to her i did not. I thought it would be cruel and unfair of me. I have a job i really like, it pays well, i get treated really well and a i travel a lot with it. I'm finally starting to make friends up here, very slowly. It gets made real hard to do since i work alot and travel a lot. But she refuses to see how that simply moving to a city will not make me happy. Sure there are more distractions there but that's not what i'm after. To be honest the more stuff like that there is the more i think it would be better to have someone to share it with.... This has reuined my sunday. not that i was having a massicely great one to start with.
I did read MadDame's blog before and it did give me a big smile. She has an interesting life. It's odd, in the town I am clearly and outsider, there is almost 0 alternative culture here unless you are a hippy. yet i find that if i were to hang out with people that are in alt culture i start to feel rather mainsteam. I feel caught between 2 cultures, one i can't stand (mainsteam) and the other that i feel no need to immerse myself in.
I really struggle with motivation for anything right now. depression again. i really need to get myself to the Buddhist retreat and get back into meditaion again. But again, motivation is the key. I could quiet easily just sit in my house, eat crap, feel like shit and wither away. but i don't feel like ending it all. I've see to much of this world to know it will not stay like this. I guess that being single for basically 4 years now will get to me eventually. it's made worse recently due to a lot of family and friends getting engaged and married.

maybe i'll go watch year one to take my mind of things...