This will be long, so I appreciate anyone who reads it through to the end.
Like many others I discovered Suicidegirls through MySpace when I was a teenager. As someone who was severely bullied for the way I looked, I looked up to these women who were celebrated for being their authentic self. It took me a good 10 years to build up the confidence to apply. When applying there was a question that asked something along the lines of why do you want to be a Suicidegirl. Easy. I wanted to connect with like minded people from all over the World.
It did not take long for me to accomplish this. I shot my debut set with @lady and when it hit member review it seemed to do well. I wasn’t really aware that 2k was some magical number to aim for but we got that within the first month or so. Everyone was super supportive and I felt more confident in myself than I had ever before. People would tell me I’d turn pink quick. I didn’t really care about the title or the followers. I truly just loved the community I was a part of. I was lucky to attend shootfests in Chicago, Ohio, Denver, Portland, and Toronto. I shot with photographers from all over the World. I made friends with so many amazing women. I got to be army captain for the Black Heart Burlesque show that I was able to attend several years in a row.
Over the years my confidence started to fade as I continued to put sets out. Several of which I felt were very well received on the site. I posted weekly blogs. I promoted the site on all my social media platforms. I was never shared on Instagram or Twitter (aside from one time when I was going to do something for SGTV). I didn’t mind because it was never about follower count for me. Like so many others I wanted that title for myself because I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. I began to pick myself apart. What did I do wrong as to why I couldn’t get a set bought? It must have been this part of my body that was wrong or because I didn’t have enough tattoos or I had a hair color that Sean didn’t like (I had been told he liked a certain type of model and I didn’t fit that mold) or maybe I was too old. I quickly realized I wasn’t alone in this. I cannot tell you how many hopefuls I had convos with who picked themselves apart. Who spent hundreds if not thousands of dollars on sets. As one of my best SG friends said best recently “If they never plan on purchasing, let me know so everyone isn’t wasting their time.” We understand not every set can be bought, but never receiving feedback can be hard.
I started to realize that Suicidegirls is like a big clique and if you’re not part of the in crowd then you won’t be acknowledged. The favoritism is strong. Maybe that’s why I was never picked for sotd. In a community that promotes the fact they support unique beauty and welcome all, I didn’t fit in. I was bullied by someone who was part of the in crowd. I figured that was it for me and considering giving up on SG at that time, but didn’t. I had worked with a photographer who had multiple complaints against them I wasn’t aware of. They eventually were blacklisted or whatever from the site, but I only learned this from Instagram. I then decided to not submit the set and asked him not to edit it and to just forget it. I never received any notification from Suicidegirls about this photographer being unsafe! Sidenote: If any staff read this please please implicate some type of protocol for when you decide a staff photographer is not safe. Send an email out to all members, models, and photographers so that people aren’t working with someone who is unsafe. Oh and maybe don’t continue to promote their sets! If you like a model who shoots with someone unsafe maybe promote that model’s other sets? Just an idea because it’s very conflicting and confusing to hear there are complaints against a photographer and then they are all over the SG Instagram.
Anyways, then the pandemic hit and I got really depressed. During that time I was cutting out parts of my life that didn’t make me happy. I deleted everything off my page besides my sets. Well, I started to delete those too. I didn’t feel I fit in, but I had members who supported me since day one who told me not to quit yet. So I stayed but I was not as active. I was still supportive of others, but I stopped posting blogs and pics on my page.
Jump to April of 2021 after 13 sets, thousands of dollars invested into sets, and 5 years on the site, my debut set was bought. I was happy but also conflicted because my first set was bought. I no longer looked that way. I had invested time and money on 12 other sets over the years for them to buy the original one I put out. I was still grateful though because I know many others deserved it just as much or more than myself.
I shot two new sets in fall of 2021 and began to feel confident again. I read a blog post by @hartt that outlined so many things that myself and others had felt for years, but kind of just shoved deep down inside out of fear of speaking out. It really resonated with me. I was really hopeful when there was a thread for suggestions and feedback where our voices would be heard.
Unfortunately, that is not what happened. The suggestion thread was locked. People were attacked by the model coordinator Penny. Though I never had a bad interaction with Penny personally, there were several people voicing their complaints with Penny. It was all disappointing to say the least. After all of this, Missy put Hartt on blast making accusations about her emailing a photographer’s work place in a blog. (Which was actually an anonymous email and Hartt says she did not send.) This was after Hartt was asked to be a voice and used it to show concern about a photographer working with a model who was underage. I’m not saying he did or didn’t do this , but I’m saying Hartt mentioned it in private as multiple people had voiced concern to her and then she was made out to be a villain. Including Missy sharing her personal email in the blog. Several people voiced their opinion on all of this. It didn’t and doesn’t sit well with any of us.
Some of those speaking out were archived without warning. What?! I honestly teared up to learn someone like @leemalee was no longer on the site without any warning. I worked with her and she was so welcoming to me. It was fun working with her. She is such an inspiring model and photographer. She is exactly what I thought Suicidegirls was about. There were several other girls archived like @tigerlilly , @reznoritis , @hartt , @eydis , @sairyn and others. I was just kind of shocked. I had hoped for change and instead saw Missy’s and Suicidegirls true colors.
It only got worse from there. A series of threads by Missy one being the transparency of how sets were bought that didn’t mention anything about how they were bought just that their process works. It has since been updated to include some more things, but only after several people complained. Then, the final threads I read basically say Suicidegirls doesn’t want any negativity and those who disagree were removed. Then if you have any issues you’re welcome to leave the site. Is this all a joke? This can’t be the reality of events that transpired after someone spoke out with concerns and we all commented feedback thinking changes would happen. It is the reality of it all though. A sad reality in my opinion.
So, like many others have now done I wrote to have my remaining seven sets pulled from the site (no reply yet). I changed my name on all my socials. I took days to process everything, but I knew in my heart I cannot support a company who has so many red flags. A company that gaslights their models or attacks innocent people who speak out with some serious concerns. A company that defends a photographer with allegations more than those who spoke up about them. A company who silences anyone who has a voice while also claiming to promote woman empowerment. A company who makes money off of young woman’s’ hopes and dreams, but doesn’t listen to their feedback. It saddens me to a point, but I’m focusing on the experiences I’ve had and people I’ve met during the last six years. After all, that is why I wanted to become a Suicidegirl.
I don’t have any other platforms where I share my content. I will be focusing on my family and my education as I’m pursuing my graduate degree. I am so grateful for all of the support over the years. I have never taken one follower or message for granted. I appreciate each and every one of you. Never be afraid to stand up for yourself and others. Stay well friends.
As for Suicidegirls, well thanks for the memories…
Xo Daydream
