davidtieck

Dear Expert
I'm glad I don't write a 'Dear Abby' advice column because then even the birthday song becomes a request for advice:

'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Dear Abby'
'Wait wait wait, seriously youre going to throw one of those at me now? Give me a break for fucks sake, how dare you try to make me work in the middle of my birthday song!''
'No no, its nothing, it's just the song'
Oh its just the song, its just the song, now help me, right?
No, not at all
'So why do you have to include Dear Abby? It's supposed to be my day off!'
'Thats just how it goes, I swear, everyone gets 'dear' and then their name
So you're saying everyone is trying to take my job now, Dear Steve, Dear Phillip, Dear Dramquilla and you're telling me this on my birthday, very classy, thank you, and I'll remember this every year too, because you told me during my birthday song, thanks a lot you cunt'
'Um Abby? Are you sure you're qualified to give 'advice' to people?'

No sir, not for me one little bit. I guess what I am really asking is this - is your name really Expert?