THEN GOD CREATED TERA... AND PIZZA

IF I had to choose one or the other, I'd go with Pizza. Because it never lets me down. Sometimes Tera Patrick lets me down because she gets plastic titties and marries some guy from Biohazard. But with Pizza, even shitty pizza, I'm satisfied - yet I could always go for another slice. At least one good thing's come out've Adams Morgan.



SOUTH BALTIMORE - kickassed and I met this Blackinese dancer who's all about punk rock. Tattoos and bleached -blonde hair is to stripper as jacket and tie is to office worker.



IT was dangerously close to my place, had this great setup, if you're a dancer - that is. The damn stage was in the center of the giant oval-shaped bar. So after two songs are up - topless and bottomless song, respectively - the dancer would walk around the bar, a kind of victory lap, and wait till everyone gave her some cash.



BASICALLY - it's a no freeloader policy. But it's cool bc sometimes you can never get a good seat at a bigger club and you get bothered by cocktail servers.

WHICH reminds me, at this place there was this really really drunk cocktail server, let's call her Doris, and she was spilling shooters on EVERYONE. Pretty funny, if you're not the one getting blue sticky goopy water flung at your expensive East Baltimore jumpsuit.

VINCE NEIL STRIKES BACK

OK, so back to Tera. I forgot what the hell she had on during the first show but she was definitely a nurse at the end. Cool thing about being a nurses is - even if you hate the gig, you get to wear that kickass uniform... and dance for me w/ big white thigh-high boots.


FAKIES

I caught this big-ass poster and I'm guessing it's her being all slutty, which is cool. And my buddy got totally trashed while Ms. Tera shoved her face in his girlfriend's titties and gave her a big ol' smooch. Good livin'

LAPDANCE DEBATE

This would make a great post in the Feminists group. Anyway, I overheard this guy (actually everybody overheard this fucker bc he was a drunk bastard) saying how he'd never pay $35 bucks for a lapdance. Beer, on the other hand, and from the size of his gut, was worth the money.



ALL-NATURAL

BUT, I disagree, how many beers can you get with $35 bucks? OK, if you drink Bud then it's probably 6 w/ a tip. So, would you rather have a sexy woman dance on your lap and rub up against you like a warm soft kitty OR would you rather drink a six-pack of Bud?

ERF DAY

OK, on this Earth Day I'd like to give a shout out to Mother Nature. She gives life, then the bitch takes it away. Now, don't get me wrong, I like reaping the benefits of this planet - water for my coffee, dirt for my shirt, wind to blow up skirts, and fire to cook yummy soup. But then I have to deal with idiot Presidents, crackpot economies, and small-dick militarists who fuck up my Christmas.



SO, in order to set things straight, there's gonna be a big swarm of fire-spitting bees that will move into the White House and set things straight. And when the idiot son of an asshole whines, "Why Daddy, why??" the newspaper will read, "Act of God."

THAT'S that. Happy Earth Day, kids. Peace be with you.