dave82

I'm left up in the air about people. I don't have any healthy relationships right now. Every single last one of them is tainted, complicated, fucked or deterioted. I'm so goddamn tired of putting up with bullshit. I don't know why I can't be normal. I sit at home and beat myself up trying to get myself to be sociable. Once every couple weeks I am able to get stronger than the chemicals in my head and I go and do something that would actually lead me to be happier. How fucked up is that? I know what I need to do and I kinda know how to do it but I am mentally unable to get the job done. Living as hermit is becoming easier and easier for me. Everytime I get fucked I learn to last a little longer by myself. I learn how to go longer w/o communicating with people. While others can be optimists and tell themselves that they will find someone, I can only be a realist. I have never believed in masking what I've felt, lying to others or generally acting on things I don't believe in. The realist in me tells me that I may never be fully happy in the way that 95% of Americans will be. The realist in me tells me that I won't live the life that I dream of. And while I am still a dreamer, the realist keeps me grounded. -dave