So I'm really fucking pissed off right now. And at a situation I really shouldn't be. It only further iterates what I have thought was true.
On a seperate but equally upsetting note, I am noticing my complete and utter failure with women. I am not shy-shy around women, but I have problems getting to know women. Add on top of that the fact that I don't know that many women only hurts my efforts. Because of these facts, I have put up with a lot of bullshit in my past relationships. It takes so long for someone to really know me and it's an odd chance that the girl to like me in return. For this I have not ended relationships due to my fear of not finding another. It happened with my first major girlfriend/fiance. I should have broken up with her so many times but the difficulties that I have made me stay in the relationship no matter how destructive it was for me or her. On my most recent relationship (a mellow three months), I think a lack of anything better kept us together. I am not a casual dater (fucking tool that I am, I almost wrote 'causal dater', although I wouldn't mind being a 'causal dater'). And it really blows my mind that I may have to change my dating habits five years into the game.
One trait that I have which I am very happy with is seeing the inner beauty/ugliness of someone. I have a very keen sense for people and it throws me for a loop sometimes, especially with women. How am I supposed to date someone who I know is a scumbag? I guess that's why I am not a casual dater. On that same note, I am set quickly in the people that I am attracted to. It doesn't take me long to see the beauty is someone, but there is almost a lack of emotively beautiful people out there. Writing out loud allows me to ask the question, 'Am I being too selective?'. But why I should have to settle for someone or change my standards. Shouldn't I find someone who fits the kind of person I want? I am a moral and caring person; is that really a hard trait to find in another human being?
So the last hour of tonight has not been so good for me. I have a long day tomorrow but at least it is complemented by watching 'Return of the King' at midnight tomorrow. So I guess I'm headed off to bed. Hopefully I may be able to find what I'm looking for while my head is buried in my pillow. G'night
On a seperate but equally upsetting note, I am noticing my complete and utter failure with women. I am not shy-shy around women, but I have problems getting to know women. Add on top of that the fact that I don't know that many women only hurts my efforts. Because of these facts, I have put up with a lot of bullshit in my past relationships. It takes so long for someone to really know me and it's an odd chance that the girl to like me in return. For this I have not ended relationships due to my fear of not finding another. It happened with my first major girlfriend/fiance. I should have broken up with her so many times but the difficulties that I have made me stay in the relationship no matter how destructive it was for me or her. On my most recent relationship (a mellow three months), I think a lack of anything better kept us together. I am not a casual dater (fucking tool that I am, I almost wrote 'causal dater', although I wouldn't mind being a 'causal dater'). And it really blows my mind that I may have to change my dating habits five years into the game.
One trait that I have which I am very happy with is seeing the inner beauty/ugliness of someone. I have a very keen sense for people and it throws me for a loop sometimes, especially with women. How am I supposed to date someone who I know is a scumbag? I guess that's why I am not a casual dater. On that same note, I am set quickly in the people that I am attracted to. It doesn't take me long to see the beauty is someone, but there is almost a lack of emotively beautiful people out there. Writing out loud allows me to ask the question, 'Am I being too selective?'. But why I should have to settle for someone or change my standards. Shouldn't I find someone who fits the kind of person I want? I am a moral and caring person; is that really a hard trait to find in another human being?
So the last hour of tonight has not been so good for me. I have a long day tomorrow but at least it is complemented by watching 'Return of the King' at midnight tomorrow. So I guess I'm headed off to bed. Hopefully I may be able to find what I'm looking for while my head is buried in my pillow. G'night
cassie11:
*hug* Aww sweetie dont be so hard on yourself...ur a really nice guy and i am sure u will find someone and dont worry everyone is selective in there own way. 
