"i can't make you love me and you can't make me stay."
that has nothing to do with anything, i just like it. nobody wants me to stay. but i guess there are a few i wish would love me...
101 days clean.
sobriety 101
bitterness,anger,anxiety. i am not a horrible person. really. i have lots of love. but sometimes the first thought to pop into my head is not the thought i am wanting,needing,or care for.
time to vent.
i wake up, the first thing i do is say, "thank you.", and then i start to feel the heavyness in my chest, the tension in my arms. when i am driving things start moving too fast. i had another anxiety attack this week. i was driving and i started to get this warm, tingling sensation coming up my legs. now that sounds nice but it's not. then i started to get light headed. i felt like i was going to pass out. i had to pull over and walk around. it was past three in the morning and i didn't want to wake anyone up with my stupid shit so i wordked through it on my own. and i said the lords prayer over and over like a mantra. i got my shit together long enough to drive home and hide in my room, which seems to be a new thing of mine. hiding out. i do it in here all the time. it's alot easier than real life. and then there is the feeling of impending doom. the dark cloud over my head. the feeling of falling. holding my breath. and somtimes i am just living moment to moment. and that is the best i can do right now. and i feel things are moving too fast. or maybe i am moving too slow. and i want things too slow down and move fast at the same time. and i don't want to get fucked up, i just don't want to feel shitty. and i want a distraction. i need to lose myself. get out of my head. and i can get fucked up anytime i want. i have no court order. nothing saying i can't. but i have hope. i have the hope that if i hold off another day things will get better. i will get better. and that seems to work for now. and i try not to worry about a day when it won't work. when i forget to think about the people i love. when i think about myself. when i forget about the desperation. when i forget about all the shit that led me here. because i am afraid of death. i don't want to die. i want to be part of today. i want to be part of tomorrow. i don't know...
that has nothing to do with anything, i just like it. nobody wants me to stay. but i guess there are a few i wish would love me...
101 days clean.
sobriety 101
bitterness,anger,anxiety. i am not a horrible person. really. i have lots of love. but sometimes the first thought to pop into my head is not the thought i am wanting,needing,or care for.
time to vent.
i wake up, the first thing i do is say, "thank you.", and then i start to feel the heavyness in my chest, the tension in my arms. when i am driving things start moving too fast. i had another anxiety attack this week. i was driving and i started to get this warm, tingling sensation coming up my legs. now that sounds nice but it's not. then i started to get light headed. i felt like i was going to pass out. i had to pull over and walk around. it was past three in the morning and i didn't want to wake anyone up with my stupid shit so i wordked through it on my own. and i said the lords prayer over and over like a mantra. i got my shit together long enough to drive home and hide in my room, which seems to be a new thing of mine. hiding out. i do it in here all the time. it's alot easier than real life. and then there is the feeling of impending doom. the dark cloud over my head. the feeling of falling. holding my breath. and somtimes i am just living moment to moment. and that is the best i can do right now. and i feel things are moving too fast. or maybe i am moving too slow. and i want things too slow down and move fast at the same time. and i don't want to get fucked up, i just don't want to feel shitty. and i want a distraction. i need to lose myself. get out of my head. and i can get fucked up anytime i want. i have no court order. nothing saying i can't. but i have hope. i have the hope that if i hold off another day things will get better. i will get better. and that seems to work for now. and i try not to worry about a day when it won't work. when i forget to think about the people i love. when i think about myself. when i forget about the desperation. when i forget about all the shit that led me here. because i am afraid of death. i don't want to die. i want to be part of today. i want to be part of tomorrow. i don't know...