dave42

all i can think of is getting fucked up. i'm craving drugs i haven't done in years. i want to swallow, chew, shot, snort, huff. i want booze, pills, crack, heroin. i want to get high. i want to get low. i want to lose the ability to walk. the ability to talk. the ability to think. the ability to function. i want some x and i want to fuck.

and i'm pissed. i'm pissed at traffic. at customers. at anyone happy and content. i'm pissed at people who are clean. i'm pissed at people getting fucked up. i'm pissed at any woman who won't fuck me. i'm pissed because this guy has awesome shows. i'm pissed at people who never feel shit. i'm fucking pissed.

i want to destroy. i want to burn. i want to disapear. i want to lay in a bath filled with booze and swallow as many pills as i can before i die. i want my heart to stop. i want to fuck. i want pussy on my face. i want sweat. i want to bite. i want skin on skin. i want tits and ass.

i'm pissed and horny.i'm obsessing. i want to feel anything other than what i feel right now. and i don't care if it is powder, a solid, a liquid, or a woman. i just want something...

and i know this is all a test. a test to see how far i will go to stay clean. it has to be.

some old dealers/friends stopped by. today of all days. today while i'm questioning what i'm doing. where i'm at. and it felt good to say no. i felt good to not give in at that moment.

these are thoughts and feelings i am not to give into. thoughts that come along with this addiction. thoughts and feelings not to be acted on.

anyway, there was noone to talk to. or really i just didn't feel like saying those things out loud. but i had to get them out.

89 days clean. i thought it would be easier by now.