When I first moved up to Portland I came up here with the idea of not locking myself into a job I wouldn't like in the long run and to really try to push my photography. As it ended up I got a job that had nothing to do with photography but at the same time I could work from home and set my own hours and it paid well. Things were fine with that but while working that job I always felt things were lacking in other areas of my life especially in photography. I thought I'd use that flexibility to work around my photography and push that more but I guess I have issues with becoming comfortable and stagnant but I found myself not making most of the time and hardly shooting at all. I'm once again at that crossroads as I have now left that said job and am looking to try to push my photography as much as possible but the idea is kinda scary. I worry that the commercial world won't think my photography is up to par, I worry sometimes that the only reason my photography even got attention is because of the subjects. I don't think the latter is true because if it was just because the girls were hot I don't believe i'd be in the position I would be in, but there's always that crazy artist self judging where sometimes I think my work is amazing and sometimes I don't even think I should be holding a camera. I took note of various situations one where I was trying to concentrate hard on the freelance job where I questioned almost everything I did at it, then never was able to brush up on my weak spots despite trying my best at it. Versus to how I am when I'm working a job with camera in hand. Guess which situation makes me feel confident, in control and exactly knowing what I'm doing? I was talking to my friend who asked me why I didn't try to become a photographer on a professional level, and that led to things such as me not being good enough, not knowing the reality of the commercial photography world, along with other reason I gave myself about not trying before. She was all "yeah that's all fine and good but all i'm really hearing is that you're scared" and I realized I was and how could I not be? There's so much competition these days in the world of photography and its a competition which seems to really benefit no one except making everyone hungry for the business and trying to undercut everyone else, without people truly understanding what it takes to become a seasoned professional. All in all it's a very scary world to be jumping into. But I'm in a situation now where I'm going to have to try that now man up and really try to push myself as a unique awesome photographer that everyone else seems to know but me.

So I'm gonna put out some ideas some feelers and see what awaits me and try to reframe this situation as a challenge rather than a difficulty, a challenge I want to win because being a Suicidegirl Staff photographer was the only job I was ever able to say " I Want that job, no matter what and I'm going to get it" and if I applied the same tenacity and same skills I should be able to achieve my goals as we all know becoming staff is not an easy position, especially if you're male.

(warning this section is just a bunch of loose ideas and probably not grammatically correct)

That being said, what type of products would people in the community be excited about purchasing? Prints of individual girls only go so far, same with instaxes, it really is a gamble sometimes if people even want to buy them.

But what are the people on this site interested in? The girls right? Would members like to see a more "behind the scenes" mini-books from shootfests?

Would the community be interested in watching girls stream games like @kemper has started doing? If there was a set gaming night on twitch would members watch it and love that little extra interaction into the girls lives?

@damsel is starting a new webisode series that will come out on Sunday... Maybe there could be more shows done like that on a semi professional level maybe there could be more shows like this

anyway as I enter my 4th year here on SG, I've said it before and I'll say it again, i'm grateful for being in the position where I am with working for the site. Photographing for Suicidegirls has really changed my life, its helped in expanding my world from just a small(ish) town in silicon valley to the world. I've gained a lot of personal growth, and have learned so much about the world around me and some of the most beautiful girls in the world inside and out. I'd like to thank @rambo @missy and @sean for giving me the opportunity and platform to give my best work to everyone not to mention the countless friends and girls and photographers with whom i'd wouldnt have interacted with...

so thank you all for being awesome @discordia @gossip @aeterna @silvi @caia @plum @damsel @radeo @frolic @luana @buellher @milloux @ackley @dimples @brewin @venus @rourke @persephone @silencia @toxic @lyxzen @dwam @saint @doxie @dali @okami @kush @galaxy

also thank all the other kick ass photographers who i've talked to on site and who have inspired me and continue to @tmronin @writeboy @alissabrunelli @cherry @nodawn @_miked_ @vermelho @hildreth @thelabrat @destroyinc @cdo @lavezzaro @brooklyn

thank you to all my fans I don't interact with you nearly enough but everyone of you is appreciated.

In other news I hope you'll get to see this stunner @lilybaby on site soon. I smell instapink (hopefully)