darrikjohn

So I take care of my mom; she had a stroke when i was in jr high and lost half of her brain to it. Be cause of our past this job is a lot harder on me then it sounds and adding to the craziness taking care of my mom has made me lose my job and cost me thousands of dollars due to the failing disability and SS system. This job has been mine since i moved to cali in December and i get no help from my sister or my grandma. Its sad because i am watching someone i should have a lot of feelings towards deteriorate in front of me and the people who had the luxury of being on her good side have left her behind. Tonight she fell three times trying to get from her chair to her bed and she wouldnt let me help her its kinda crazy to see how determined she is to do it on her own and to have a small understanding of what she had to overcome to get to where she was before this decline and now to feel it slipping away must be hard. It makes it hard to be sorry for yourself when u watch these struggles. But it seems like ill be moving away from all this she decided i wasnt good enough for the job and is moving in with a guy who has left her at the alter; and im now going to move back to AZ and try to have my own life again, i should be happy to be with friends i havent had any real social interaction since i left AZ but i cant help but feel wrong leaving her with her decisions when i know where it can lead. I dont know if im venting or trying to get to a deeper issue that has been digging at me and why im sharing this with strangers i dont know and maybe soon ill be writing more about this wether or not any one reads this i guess its good to uncoordinatedly write thoughts down if nothing else but to get them out.




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