It's been a while since I've opened up a vein and shared a bit about my personal life here. I think that it's because until I release it into the world it just doesn't seem real to me. Now my thoughts are voraciously eating my brain from the inside out and I need some perspective.
For those that are new followers or haven't read my past blog posts this last year, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer back in May of this year. I had only just moved back in with my parents at the beginning of the month and before then there were signs that my dad wasn't feeling well. Before the diagnosis I was only planning on staying at my parent's house for maybe a month max. When the news came I still wanted to go forward with my plans to get my own place but I was willing to wait until just before winter. Now, it was only just a week ago that I made the decision to stay where I am. No matter how much I thought about my future and how much I wanted to be on my own I always came to the same conclusion: these could be the last few months I have with my dad and if I left I'd always look back with regret for the rest of my life.
Of course I still refuse to believe this will be it for him because I've inherited his stubborn nature yet I will admit things don't look good.
From my experiences thus far I would say the worst thing about cancer is that it takes its time. Not long after his first few chemo treatments my dad not only got better, the cancer in his body started to actually shrink. Then months later came a close call with an infection that required an emergency room visit followed by a few skipped chemo treatments because of his overall health. Not long after another emergency room visit for chest pains due to an irregular heartbeat and more delayed chemo due to his physical condition.
The strangest thing about all of this though is that I don't feel mad. Sure I'm angry about the hand that life has dealt my family but I feel like it has taught me a valuable lesson. There are people in this world that not only mean something to us, they make our lives worth living. Even the small people we see in our daily lives that we only have a few words with each day somehow fulfill us yet we all seem to stress about things that don't matter.
Examples: Someone said something bad about me. Something didn't go my way. The world seems to be going into a state of chaos. I had a bad day.
It's only now that I realize I've been angry in the past for no reason and the same goes for being sad. What did I really have to feel ill about? I've always had people in my life that have loved me yet I locked myself away for absolutely no reason.
So perhaps it's an ironic twist of fate that in the face of potentially losing one of my best friends in the world that I come to terms with my own situation.
The overflowing love I feel so deeply for humanity is actually something that's reciprocal, I've just been too blinded by my own angst to acknowledge it.
Well... not anymore.