Sometimes at night I suddenly awaken from a deep sleep as in an anxious state. This is why I'm usually blogging late. I don't know how to describe it other than a crushing sense of belittlement or maybe loneliness is a better word. If I don't remain vigilant this feeling can persist and grow within me, convincing me of things that just aren't accurate.
One thing that I've found that effectively calms my nerves is to write what I'm thinking and then try to make sense of it once it's all in black and white. Self medication either with sleeping pills or just straight out drugs/ alcohol (I never mix them though) also works sometimes but the results are often too unreliable.
The last form of treatment is having someone else in my life. Whenever I would wake up in one of these states while in a relationship just a quick cuddle with my partner or even sometimes just a glance to see someone else sleeping next to me always sent me right back to dreamland.
I think I'm finally getting on the verge of figuring out important aspects of my personality that have prevented me from connecting with other people on a lasting ,meaningful level. I say "lasting" because I've felt profound meaning in a relationship before, it's just never survived the sands of time. It's like catching glimpses of something so beautiful you want to overcome any obstacle to see the full picture. Sadly my partners didn't share my spirit.
So now I'm left wondering: What happens next? Where do I go from here?
My answer for now is to just shrug my shoulders and carry on with this magical mystery tour.
