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darquan223

Where I live? MN. Where I was born? Oxford, England

Member Since 2011

Followers 50 Following 346

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The places we go to get away from our feelings are most often the places we find them again.

May 5, 2014
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In the last day I've tried hard to examine myself pretty hard. Do I exist as a joke to all those around me? Do people actually hold genuine affection for me as I do for them? I could ask questions all day about motives and emotions and still not come up with an answer that satisfies me. So what is the solution to this? I've been driving myself insane for many years trying to answer this question and only just now come up with a solution. Ironically enough the disappointment I've experienced from trusting relationships going bad throughout my life drove me to the solution I needed all along, I just wasn't utilizing it fully.

I can't control others, that's for sure. Even if I did succeed the effects would only be temporary and I would have to wonder about my motives if I were to resort to controlling someone for any reason other than their own safety (and I acknowledge those situations are rare and part of a much larger slippery slope that I won't get into now). The only conclusion I can draw from this now is that the only person I can morally control is myself. All those questions and standards I hold others to I can also spin around on myself.

As I stated before I was at least already at that point and I only got there because I was sick of people eventually turning on me. The way that I failed though was not explaining my motives fully. In other words it's unfair of me to ask that other people appear transparent to me before I trust them if I hide stuff from them. The kicker is that I don't hide stuff from people on purpose. If I come into work on a bad day I don't talk about it because I don't think my problems matter. Still though people at work care about me and want me to tell them about my problems.

I suppose in the end I realized that I'm the only one holding myself back. Even though I know all of the rhetoric behind my principles I was unwilling to fully live it. I won't make that mistake any more for fear of rejection.

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