darlinginvalid

before ranting,
i would like to say that if my night had not gone all shitty-like just a few hours ago, i would have replied to the comments left in my last entry.
I appreciate any thoughtful responses, thanks guys. xoxxxx..



and now, commence purging of uber angst:


earlier i call this girl. because i am in not such a good mood and i didnt want to go to bed emo. shes good at making me happy.

boy. instead of calling, i shouldve just gone straight to bed dwelling on the meth induced accusations my (not much of a) best friend slammed me.

it wouldve been easier to deal with. because its a slightly scabbed over issue. but no.
i had to call.

girl. this girl...she is bad news for me...and i know this. but then, i get side tracked and forget it because her kisses are sweet and i love the way she smooths me out and makes me happy and the way she pauses to let me trace her face with my fingers but NO.

she is fucking bad for me.

tonights conversation veers toward:

"the difference between us is, i can have a day like we had yesterday, and still remain detached."

so. maybe this kicked my ass times two because before she made this statement. i was in denile. i thought i had things under control. i was kidding myself when i told my friends that i wasnt getting too emotionally invested when they tsked at me for seeing her, i was kidding myself when i told me and everyone, including her that it was okay because i didnt want anything out of her.

the second she made that statement, it was like having this amazing sense of hope sucked out of me with an industrial vaccum. i think it got half of my vital organs too.

and because that statment she made hurt me so much...
i realized, i am not handeling this how i thought i was. and i need to fucking run.

too make matters harder.
her reasoning for remaining so unattached (but, oh shes FINE with fucking me)
is that she loves someone else,
of course thats no big surprise, right, it always goes that way.
i just wish i didnt know who it was. but i do. and i also know verifiably that this person she thinks she loves, just lead her on. just lead her on and then talked some unjust shit about her when she realized she was leading her on.

BLAAAAAH

trite. and mind numbing. but nerve racking at the same time.
of course id love to just fucking tell her,
out of spite, the spite that springs from being denied,
id love to tell her what was said.
but i know thats terrible and wont ever do it.

but im hurt.
and bitter.

because it just reflects the universal unrequitment im dealing with on multiple fronts.

ie. the situation with the boy. ( i hope the marines make you a man, cause damn i had no idea you were such a boy...)

that left me all sorts of fucked up.
you know, i accept and appreciate the fact that people sometimes need to deal with things and grow on their own.
i however, cannot accept the spineless way in which all manners post jan 1st were held. im wounded by disrespect more than anything.
even, the fact that fear is more important to him than our some eon seeming long friendship, even that stings a bit less then the ensuing respect.

so.

now. im purged for the night.
it feels good to just vent out all this crap.
public journal vents sorta feel good like a middle finger to the world, ya know?

-el fin.