Well, Im all settled in up here. Yup, DT now officially has his own apartment in the glorious wheat fields of WSU. Hell, even the weeds on the hill outside my apartment look like wheat, and in fact I think they are wheat, seeds or something come in on the wind and taken root years ago. Sure as hell look like it, just not as dense as wheat being farmed.
The apartment is really nice, I rather like it. My only complaints have (save one) nothing at all to do with the quality of the apartment, simply with its location. The company who owns this complex in fact owns three or four here in town, and they decided (somewhat stupidly) to build one right next to the other. This would be fine, one is up on kind of a hill while the other is down in the gully below it, except that they decided to put five of the buildings for the complex on top of the hill at the bottom of the hill, hidden away behind the other complex. As such, you have to drive through its parking lot to get here, which is annoying in itself, but then they decied to be jackasses and put speedbumps throughout the parking lot that are nearly as tall as the ground clearance of my car and not deep at all, so it is a fucking challenge not to bottom the car out on them going over. There are at least seven on the most direct path to my building. One way. Shit, they even put a speedbump on the roundabout right as you pull in the parkinglot on the way going out!!! What? Where they afraid Id break their 10mph speed limit in the fifteen feet between that speedbump and the sidewalk? There isnt even a walking path on that side of the road, so nobodies going to be walking there. The other location concern I have is just that the manager told us when we booked the apartment that it was a top floor apartment (dont have to worry about pissing off neighbors above you with the noise) but turns out it wasnt. Instead its on the third of four floors, so neighbors upstairs but get to keep the stairs. Not that big a deal though. The only quality problem is that there isnt an air conditioner in here. Ive been measuring the temperature in the room during the day with this little clock thats also a thermometer, yeah, its made it over 88* in here. Not fun. But except for the heat its a great apartment, clean, even has a little balcony! (So I can get a better view of aforementioned wheat-hill)
I do sit out there from time to time though, sipping tea, gazing at the stars and wondering. Though more and more Ive been wondering if it was a mistake to come here. I know from the perspective I had last fall it was the right decision, I dont think I made the wrong choice, but Im not sure things have gotten any better. Now I rarely get to talk to let alone see The Mike (who is becoming a more and more important friend to me all the time), and I basically have to start over my efforts to build a routine, find stores, jobs, etc. All this time Im also burning through capital at a rate unheard of during my time at Seattle.
The economic stress this move has caused is not the only thing weighing heavily on my shoulders lately. Increasingly I feel distanced from all my friends except Mike, especially those who will be attending WSU. Not exactly what I had hoped, for reasons that are obvious. Almost like watching ants in one of those glass ant colonies, they move around, they interact, but so very little of it seems to have any bearing on me or my affairs anymore. Like watching the ants, Ive become increasingly behind an emotional glass wall through which I watch all the people I know. Not meaning to offend any of my theoretical readers, but the only one I really feel any significant emotional investment in is Twinkie.
How ironic that it would be her over many of the others, as shes probably the hardest of all my friends to read. Maybe others can tell what shes thinking or feeling at any given time, but I find it very difficult with her. It always seems like shes wearing a mask when I see her, like shes trying as hard as she can to be diplomatic. Nobody else seems to notice, though, so its probably just me. Could also be the events of the summer, as she did have an emotionally difficult break. But, I dunno, I just feel like its something more than that. When I talk to her, when I see her, even when I read what she has to say on email she seems so detached- its rather easy to start wondering what shes really thinking. Which is fine, I suppose, it is her right afterall. I just wish I knew whether she considers my presence a burden or a blessing, you know? Its just that everytime I see her, who is very easily my most valued friend, and I cant help but wonder if she truly looks that indifferent or if she actually is hiding her face behind a mask. But I dont want to give her something else to worry about, so I just smile and nod, and hope that I made her day better not worse with my presence. Its just that Im afraid the best friend Ive ever had (and quite likely will ever have), the best person Ill ever meet, the person who proved to me that people COULD be decent and ARE worth the effort and who continually serves as a reminder that people arent all bad, Im afraid shes slowly slipping away, slipping out of my life entirely and that there isnt a goddamned fucking thing I can do about it.
Excuse me, first I need to stop crying, then I need to remind myself why any of this matters.
~DT
mood: very much alone
music: For You To Notice Dashboard Confessional
The apartment is really nice, I rather like it. My only complaints have (save one) nothing at all to do with the quality of the apartment, simply with its location. The company who owns this complex in fact owns three or four here in town, and they decided (somewhat stupidly) to build one right next to the other. This would be fine, one is up on kind of a hill while the other is down in the gully below it, except that they decided to put five of the buildings for the complex on top of the hill at the bottom of the hill, hidden away behind the other complex. As such, you have to drive through its parking lot to get here, which is annoying in itself, but then they decied to be jackasses and put speedbumps throughout the parking lot that are nearly as tall as the ground clearance of my car and not deep at all, so it is a fucking challenge not to bottom the car out on them going over. There are at least seven on the most direct path to my building. One way. Shit, they even put a speedbump on the roundabout right as you pull in the parkinglot on the way going out!!! What? Where they afraid Id break their 10mph speed limit in the fifteen feet between that speedbump and the sidewalk? There isnt even a walking path on that side of the road, so nobodies going to be walking there. The other location concern I have is just that the manager told us when we booked the apartment that it was a top floor apartment (dont have to worry about pissing off neighbors above you with the noise) but turns out it wasnt. Instead its on the third of four floors, so neighbors upstairs but get to keep the stairs. Not that big a deal though. The only quality problem is that there isnt an air conditioner in here. Ive been measuring the temperature in the room during the day with this little clock thats also a thermometer, yeah, its made it over 88* in here. Not fun. But except for the heat its a great apartment, clean, even has a little balcony! (So I can get a better view of aforementioned wheat-hill)
I do sit out there from time to time though, sipping tea, gazing at the stars and wondering. Though more and more Ive been wondering if it was a mistake to come here. I know from the perspective I had last fall it was the right decision, I dont think I made the wrong choice, but Im not sure things have gotten any better. Now I rarely get to talk to let alone see The Mike (who is becoming a more and more important friend to me all the time), and I basically have to start over my efforts to build a routine, find stores, jobs, etc. All this time Im also burning through capital at a rate unheard of during my time at Seattle.
The economic stress this move has caused is not the only thing weighing heavily on my shoulders lately. Increasingly I feel distanced from all my friends except Mike, especially those who will be attending WSU. Not exactly what I had hoped, for reasons that are obvious. Almost like watching ants in one of those glass ant colonies, they move around, they interact, but so very little of it seems to have any bearing on me or my affairs anymore. Like watching the ants, Ive become increasingly behind an emotional glass wall through which I watch all the people I know. Not meaning to offend any of my theoretical readers, but the only one I really feel any significant emotional investment in is Twinkie.
How ironic that it would be her over many of the others, as shes probably the hardest of all my friends to read. Maybe others can tell what shes thinking or feeling at any given time, but I find it very difficult with her. It always seems like shes wearing a mask when I see her, like shes trying as hard as she can to be diplomatic. Nobody else seems to notice, though, so its probably just me. Could also be the events of the summer, as she did have an emotionally difficult break. But, I dunno, I just feel like its something more than that. When I talk to her, when I see her, even when I read what she has to say on email she seems so detached- its rather easy to start wondering what shes really thinking. Which is fine, I suppose, it is her right afterall. I just wish I knew whether she considers my presence a burden or a blessing, you know? Its just that everytime I see her, who is very easily my most valued friend, and I cant help but wonder if she truly looks that indifferent or if she actually is hiding her face behind a mask. But I dont want to give her something else to worry about, so I just smile and nod, and hope that I made her day better not worse with my presence. Its just that Im afraid the best friend Ive ever had (and quite likely will ever have), the best person Ill ever meet, the person who proved to me that people COULD be decent and ARE worth the effort and who continually serves as a reminder that people arent all bad, Im afraid shes slowly slipping away, slipping out of my life entirely and that there isnt a goddamned fucking thing I can do about it.
Excuse me, first I need to stop crying, then I need to remind myself why any of this matters.
~DT
mood: very much alone
music: For You To Notice Dashboard Confessional