I’m in a dark place! A depressive state I have not experienced since, well in a very long time. I am lonely, so, so lonely. At times I can hear my soul screaming in my ears! And I wander through life alone, deflated, disillusioned, dispirited, disappointed, shocked, hopeless, powerless to effect change and empty! I cannot find a moment of happiness; how can I when my home (not home) is burning down around me? Sometimes of late I feel like I am suffocating, my heart pounds in my ears, and I feel detached from reality.
I recently went on vacation in Iceland for 10 days of sweet pure air, and I did not want to come back to the United States, to the madness and insanity, to the sadness and inhumanity that now permeate American society like a thick London fog. My home is no longer safe, if it ever was, for a man or woman in a brown suit. Or for anyone without pale skin and a limp penis.
I can’t shake the feeling of foreboding; that everything I used to trust has failed me, failed US utterly and completely. There is no respite from the Twilight Zone nature of our (false) existence, not an hour passes when Trump’s name is not uttered in contempt and disbelief; no day can pass without news of yet another atrocity perpetrated on American soil; Concentrations Camps, police murders, the criminalization of women’s bodies, the branding of brown people as animals, the Transgender murder spree, mass shootings, it’s all too much for the moral soul to process!
And I have no one to turn to, no willing ear to listen, nor arms to hold me while I weep, nor soothing voice to tell me I’m safe within her warm, soft embrace. And I so want to weep from my very soul, but I dare not alone for I may not survive the purging! So, I languish, alone, adrift in my own dark sea, my eyes dry, my heart darkening, growing ever colder and callus. There is only a tiny pinprick of light I sail for, seemingly forever. Hope beckons with a lying whisper, a deceitful wink, an empty smile, a lukewarm embrace. But its enough, fuck me its enough to keep me breathing…for now!
