darco

[Alone]
I feel so alone and isolated. When do I get to stop trying and start living? I feel my life ticking away, and I'm not quite sure what to do. Trying out this whole “self employment” thing is all good and dandy, but unless I am interacting with people on a daily basis I am going to go insane. By interaction, I mean more than just small-talk with a store clerk. I don't have any human feedback anymore, and it's killing me. (Edited 1:47PM PDT)

What have I done to put myself in this situation? What have I lost by going down this road? How do I get it back?

Perhaps I'm more lost than I thought. Perhaps I'm not as strong as I thought. If I could just have the will power to make myself do what needs to be done, then I would be OK. But no matter how hard I want to, it's like I can't even make myself try. The feeling is indescriptable–it is as if conscious thought and motivation were completely separate. I can think about and analyze about what I should do. I just don't do it–and I don't know why.

And so I punish myself. I hold off on doing anything else until I bring myself to do what I know I need to do. But sometimes that doesn't happen; then nothing gets done at all.

This is all conflicting with my values. I put a high emphasis on responsibility, dependability, and discipline–and I have none of these.

Sometimes when I get really stressed out and busy, I just hold my breath. I stop breathing. I don't know why. I start to get light headed.

I'm starting to wonder if I should just say fuck-it and open-source the software and move on to a “real” job–because I'm sure as hell not making any progress with it. “Real life” keeps getting in the way. Unless there is someone out there who really believes in my work and will encourage me that it is worthwhile, then I'm starting to believe the little hints that I keep getting from my family. I'm wasting my life. I'm achieving nothing. I'm disrespecting the memory of my father.

None of that would matter if I had actually had the self-motivation to pull it off. That's what kills me the most–I feel like I haven't even tried. I just keep trying to do everything else, and not getting anything done. At what point do I just call it? At what point do I say that I am just not driven enough to make it happen?

I am a social creature. If I don't have the support of those I love, then I will not have the motivation to get it done. All I have is guilt and regret–knowing what I was capable of and what I squandered. Fuck it. I've had enough. I don't want to live like this anymore.

I cannot do it alone. No one else is helping. It is a lost cause. I am deluding myself to think otherwise.

There had been a handful of projects that I really considered to be significant in my life. Three of the largest were extraordinarily disappointing failures. Middle school science fair. High school promotional communications video. And now this. Damnit, It wasn't suppose to turn out this way. I was suppose to bounce back and make the deal. Why didn't I? Was it not important enough? Was it not real enough?

I want to be extraordinary. I want to be special. No, not in the “everyone is special” sense–that's bullshit. I want to be immortal. Some people are born with the drive for immortality. Some people stumble upon it. I want to put a dent in the universe, and prove my existence to be relevant. I don't think this will ever change. But this is not a path to immortality, this is a path to insanity.

ARGH!

Time to go to sleep.

Edit/Update
Looking back, I was pretty harsh on this post. I was having a bad day. The truth is that when I am in the groove and getting things done, I don't feel that way at all. Despite this, there is some truth in this post. I will elaborate a bit more on this later.