Here is a little something I wrote Dec. 8, 2008 (i thought i would post it; for no other reason than... well, i like it)
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AT THIS MOMENT, YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE WE DO, HOW YOU LOVE TO, BUT NEVER WILL AGAIN.... I MISS YOU MY DEAREST SEAN, TIFFANY, SKY, ETC............
The fucking list never stops. FRIENDS ARE DROPPING DEAD LIKE FLIES...And then you wonder...WHY AM I STILL HERE ?? Let me give you my track record : been pronounced dead 8 times (at least), had 26 hospital overdoses due to HEROIN.....hhhhmmmm....AND A LIFE THAT IS SO FUCKING CRAZY THAT IT WOULD SEEM FIT TO BE IN THE FICTIONAL SECTION OF THE LIBRARY; instead of the truth that surrounds me each and every day.
Was it the $32,000 inheritance that was spent in less than a month- going on a cross country drug spree, to see which major city had the best and cheapest heroin ?? Was it the last 15 years of living a junkies life; one that would go down in the hall of shame....or the countless rehab attempts...the methadone clinics, the suboxone, the cold turkey withdrawal, the fucking insanity....the needle deprevation that my junk sick cells needed to be fed each and every day, the criminally insane acts of acquiring money to pay off the dealers....I DON'T KNOW, BUT HERE I AM AND DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT PEOPLE THINK... IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU ARE READING, THEN TURN THE FUCKING PAGE BECAUSE IT ONLY GETS WORSE FROM THERE...is this fiction ??? FUCK NO !!!!!!! IT'S MY LIFE, SO WHAT ....??????
I am so sick and tired, so very sick and tired of being sick and tired. So sick of going to court, so sick of the telephone ringing and ringing and the people on the other end of the phone trying to get a number OR A FIX, or FIX me up...FUCK OFF ASSHOLES!!!!! Leave me the fuck alone ,SO I CAN EVENTUALLY FIND OUT WHAT MY LIFE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT, or at least a chance to have a life.
I am sick of assholes who think I am stupid that get themselves in trouble then turn punk with the police and try to get me in trouble knowing that i already have a heroin charge that I am fighting... I am sick of the DEA busting through my door for no fucking reason - arresting me in front of my innocent four year old son - calling me a lying whore, then later finding out that it was their mistake all along and that someone else has been using my identity !!! And not just someone I don't knowBUT SOMEONE WHO I HAVE GROWN UP WITH, SOMEONE WHO I LOVED MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, SOMEONE I WOULD OF TAKEN THE SHIRT OF MY BACK FOR OR TAKEN A BULLET IN THE HEAD FOR..I would of died for this girl...... so she returns the favor of her love by setting me up knowing that i have enough problems on my plate to last a lifetime...., Oh "its OK, no big deal right???" Fuck that shit, I am pissed and want to fucking smash somebodies head in !!!!!!!
"Well, Jennifer, don't worry about it, everything will get better" - Yeah right !!!! Do you think I am a fucking retard ?? I am much smarter than I let on , SO THE ONLY PERSON YOU ARE FOOLING IS YOURSELF !!!!
TRY ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enough venting for one morning..(hehe) AND THAT IS JUST A MORNINGS WORTH...
think about 33 years worth times a fucking million and that's where i am at. "Thanks for letting me share " Oh I forgot, I can't go to meetings because I don't have a fucking car nor license .....THANKS AL, FOR FUCKING UP WHAT WAS ALREADY FUCKED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE...................................
more to come , as I spiral down.... so stay tuned....
(in memory of tiffany a wood - died 2004-pic of me and her 5 hours before her death ).. i love and miss you tiff and my life is getting better now... i know you are looking down on me from the heaven's above and I decided to choose LIFE.... so help me, cause I could really use it sometimes... I love and miss you my dearest friend...
Azreale
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AT THIS MOMENT, YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE WE DO, HOW YOU LOVE TO, BUT NEVER WILL AGAIN.... I MISS YOU MY DEAREST SEAN, TIFFANY, SKY, ETC............The fucking list never stops. FRIENDS ARE DROPPING DEAD LIKE FLIES...And then you wonder...WHY AM I STILL HERE ?? Let me give you my track record : been pronounced dead 8 times (at least), had 26 hospital overdoses due to HEROIN.....hhhhmmmm....AND A LIFE THAT IS SO FUCKING CRAZY THAT IT WOULD SEEM FIT TO BE IN THE FICTIONAL SECTION OF THE LIBRARY; instead of the truth that surrounds me each and every day.
Was it the $32,000 inheritance that was spent in less than a month- going on a cross country drug spree, to see which major city had the best and cheapest heroin ?? Was it the last 15 years of living a junkies life; one that would go down in the hall of shame....or the countless rehab attempts...the methadone clinics, the suboxone, the cold turkey withdrawal, the fucking insanity....the needle deprevation that my junk sick cells needed to be fed each and every day, the criminally insane acts of acquiring money to pay off the dealers....I DON'T KNOW, BUT HERE I AM AND DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT PEOPLE THINK... IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU ARE READING, THEN TURN THE FUCKING PAGE BECAUSE IT ONLY GETS WORSE FROM THERE...is this fiction ??? FUCK NO !!!!!!! IT'S MY LIFE, SO WHAT ....??????
I am so sick and tired, so very sick and tired of being sick and tired. So sick of going to court, so sick of the telephone ringing and ringing and the people on the other end of the phone trying to get a number OR A FIX, or FIX me up...FUCK OFF ASSHOLES!!!!! Leave me the fuck alone ,SO I CAN EVENTUALLY FIND OUT WHAT MY LIFE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT, or at least a chance to have a life.
I am sick of assholes who think I am stupid that get themselves in trouble then turn punk with the police and try to get me in trouble knowing that i already have a heroin charge that I am fighting... I am sick of the DEA busting through my door for no fucking reason - arresting me in front of my innocent four year old son - calling me a lying whore, then later finding out that it was their mistake all along and that someone else has been using my identity !!! And not just someone I don't know
BUT SOMEONE WHO I HAVE GROWN UP WITH, SOMEONE WHO I LOVED MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF, SOMEONE I WOULD OF TAKEN THE SHIRT OF MY BACK FOR OR TAKEN A BULLET IN THE HEAD FOR..I would of died for this girl...... so she returns the favor of her love by setting me up knowing that i have enough problems on my plate to last a lifetime...., Oh "its OK, no big deal right???" Fuck that shit, I am pissed and want to fucking smash somebodies head in !!!!!!!"Well, Jennifer, don't worry about it, everything will get better" - Yeah right !!!! Do you think I am a fucking retard ?? I am much smarter than I let on , SO THE ONLY PERSON YOU ARE FOOLING IS YOURSELF !!!!
TRY ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enough venting for one morning..(hehe) AND THAT IS JUST A MORNINGS WORTH...
think about 33 years worth times a fucking million and that's where i am at. "Thanks for letting me share " Oh I forgot, I can't go to meetings because I don't have a fucking car nor license .....THANKS AL, FOR FUCKING UP WHAT WAS ALREADY FUCKED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE...................................
more to come , as I spiral down.... so stay tuned....(in memory of tiffany a wood - died 2004-pic of me and her 5 hours before her death ).. i love and miss you tiff and my life is getting better now... i know you are looking down on me from the heaven's above and I decided to choose LIFE.... so help me, cause I could really use it sometimes... I love and miss you my dearest friend...Azreale
If I didn't have my medication I can't imagine what I'd be like, I was damned near suicidal befor starting my meds. I used to cut myself a lot, but the meds block those urges. Now I fear death instead of craving it, and feel like I have a lot to live for.
But I keep screwing up everything good in my life. Plus I'm unemployed and feel like a leech. Fortunately I get a disability check for my bi-polar disorder and other stuff, but the check is only $666.00, and most of it is paying off old medical bills, and credit card debt. And the rest I blow on unnesecary junk because I have impulse control probs, therefore my mom manages my money for me. I'm 29 and I still live with my family, at least my bf liives with us too.
well I gotta go to the store and get groceries, I look foward to hearing from you again