dansquatch

I'm a little down tonight. Feeling reflective. Not depressed, for a change...But yeah, a little down I suppose.

I wish I could sing. I wish I could write. I have never thought myself to be a good poet, but I use to write a lot. I always seemed to have an idea for something. This past year I've had so little inspiration. I can't write anymore. Its like it stopped. Poof....That's it, I'm an artist no more. I've got nothing left to say. I feel so muted.

I'm lonely. I'm not complaining. I've been telling myself that love is untrue. I've decided I don't need somebody else.Its too much effort, too little return. I let somebody in too readily and I let them hurt me. Not again. I've learned from that. Love is vulnerability, love is dependency, love is weak. I do not believe in love. I do not want a relationship. But.... I am still quite lonely at times. Its confusing. Its discomforting. I try to just keep it out of mind, but it always comes back. I've been thinking about this a lot.

And of course there's a grl. I know better than to mess around with her or try to mess around because she's got her damage. Besides she shas a boyfriend and her ex is a friend of mine in good standing. The way I work, messing with a friend's ex is a big no no. Its uncool. Not that it matters because I'm not trying with this one.
But she's got beautiful eyes. I'm a sap, I know. I'm a sucker for beautiful eyes. And I feel like I kinda do have a lot in common with her. The last couple of weeks I've been thinking about her, on and off. Trying not to because its a waste of time. I think I just need a suitable distraction from all this emotional cause for thought. I overthink things too much sometimes anyway. I could probably use a vacation.

On a related note, I can't stand to see beautiful women sad.

Now if anything were cause for depresion this is it:
My dad told my mom the other day that their marriage is a joke. Yeah. This on top of her best friend dying and her cousin dying as well over a span of about a month. We've put up with my dad's alcoholism for a few years now, and its been the bane of our family. The guy's a bastard. Now when he gets drunk he gets violent. He hasn't that I know of actually hit my mom. However he does tend to throw everything that isn't nailed down at her. She's going to a lawyer on the 16th to see what her options are, short of divorce. The big D isn't convenient for anybody right now. You know I always thought my family was one of the anchors in my life.
That anchor is gone. And now that I don't feel like I can know anything if I can't know my own family I'm full of uncertainty. More than ever I quesion everything. I feel lost.

I've got a lot to think about I suppose.