dansquatch

Everything seems so unnecessary. Everything seems very pointless. I don't mean that in the "Woe is me" way, more in the "Wow this is it?" kind of way. I get up every day and it all seems as though its just so damned repetitive, so circular. Life in itself has to come to feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Every day I merely exist, consume, interact, exist, interact, exist, and then sleep in between. I do not produce anything of worth, I do not feel validated in any way. I do not feel as though either my actions or my prescence make any kind of real impact on the world. I am merely a errant blip on the radar screen of life. It used to be so depressing to think of it that way....The emptiness of it and all. Now though I find it all just so boring. The world, reality, and my life in itself simply bore me. Its frustrating. I want things to make sense. I want things to work in a planned and organized manner so that some kind of purpose is served. However I don't rightly know that there is a purpose to things. Now, here's where members of my family would tell me to trust God, or Jesus, or whatever. Trust the lord's plan... I don't think so. If there's anybody I can trust I have to be able to relate to them. I, as a lone individual, feel so small and insignificant in the face of the rest of the world, and before the coldness of reality. It all bombards me every day..Always reminding me of how weak and small I am. What could an omnipotent and omniscient being know about that? How could God possibly relate to feeling insignificant? What would God know about being human? Christians claim that Jesus was the son of the God, but also God himself, as an earthly extension. Perhaps some may say that Jesus was the son of man, and (if you believe in the Trinity) that God, in the form of Jesus, became a man. But men don't heal the lame with a touch. Men don't walk on water. And men certainly don't raise from the dead. Human. Yeah right. God, whether real or not, is nothing I could ever relate to. How do you follow or love something to which cannot in the slightest bit relate? Hence my agnosticism. I find it very numbing that every action I make feels useless and every ramification of those actions seems so easily dismissed and forgotten. Often times I think that if life is simply lived merely for existence's sake and nothing is made or gained from it then why bother? I would just as soon not bother at all some times. And so this is where I am in life: Soon to be 21 years old, bored, often alone, unmoved, and wondering what point may be out there to find. I want to be moved. I want to feel conviction and this thing called faith..I want to know...And I want to learn it for myself. I would like to be wise I think. Unfortunately I already know that I am a fool. I'm nothing more than another uninspired social loser who wishes he was bright enough to be an intellectual. I'm very negative if you haven't noticed. I would like this all to change. But I believe that Ghandi once said that you have to be the change you seek. I have to be the instrument of change that improves my life. It can fall to no other. So I know what I have to accomplish. I'm simply lacking the means to do it. Its that middle part that's getting me. Until I figure it out I'll just feel like another useless idiot wanting something totally beyond him. I'm too impatient for my own good perhaps. Now, when's the last time you saw somebody take that many words to say their bored?