Lets talk about weaknesses for a second, if we will. I know its not a very pleasent topic; most of us spend most of our life doing our best to hide those aspects of ourselves which we consider to be weaknesses. I'm no different; in fact I think that, historically, I've been more zealous about this than the average person. It was long been my desire to present a strong and stern image to the world; the visage of a captain steadily sailing his ship through rough seas, with only a smile and a laugh on his lips.
But, they say that one of the first steps to compensating for ones weaknesses is to openly admit them (actually, on second thought, I'm not sure if 'they' really do say that or not. But it seems to be good advice none the less). Not to wear them on your sleves of course, I'm much to stoic for that, but I suppose I can at least mention them....once. Get it off my chest, so to say.
*Clears throat*
Most people who look at me would assume that I've lead a fairly successful life. Not to come off as arrogant, but I'd largely agree. I've graduated college, will soon be attending grad school, have lived in Ireland, survived two years teaching in Alaska. I have a good circle of friends, and am generally well respected by most people. Honestly, despite the typical rough patches everyone encounters during their life, I've had it pretty good.
And yet, there is that weakness that I spoke of. All right, lets say this up front; I have several more than the one I'm going to mention here (I'm more than a little cocky, can be emotionally distant, have a horrid sweet tooth, am a total dork, can be increadibly moody from time to time.) But this is the big one:
*looks around nervously*
I have a complete lack of experience in my sex life. You know I'm the...uhhhh.....'V' word. You know what I mean. I hope.
I am horribly embarrassed about this. I'm 25 years old after all, and its long since moved out of the realm of "Your still young" to "you've become a stastical anomily!" I mean, half of the people I know are married, having kids, and I'm still stuck at the general maturity level of a pimple-faced 16 year old kid. This does not do much for ones ego (there are those who would argue that my ego could well use a few punctures to deflate it, and they're right, but I'd think there must be a better way)
Ok, so at my advanced age, I've managed to become an oddity. Wonderful. I could actually deal with that; I'm the same guy who just wrote a 132 age epic poem; I've been a bit off the beaten path most of my life. Fine. What worries me so much isn't staying in this condition, its what comes which I lose it.
My train of thought goes like this: The public perception of late virgins isn't exactly flattering. Since I suppose I now fall under this catagory, then the perception of anyone who knows this about me is also not going to be flattering. Taken to the next logical level; if a woman who's interested in me finds this out, there's a good chance she'll run to the hills screaming; after all, in our modern world, we want to sleep with people who are GOOD at it, not neophytes.
Now, if I actually care about said girl, her running screaming into the hills would be rather hurtsome to me. I would naturally want to be somewhat skilled with someone I liked. Also, I'm not one who takes kindly to being humilated (That might well be a stupid statement. I don't know of ANYONE who enjoys being humilated. But you know what I mean).
This all puts me into a bit of a conundrum. If I were to sleep with a girl I cared about I'd have two choices; to either tell her or not. If I DID tell her, I'd run the risk of her fleeing as fast as she can. If I DON'T say anything, I'd run the risk of chasing her away because I suck at what I'm doing.
The logical thing to do would be to try to hook up with someone I DON'T care about, then I wouldn't much care of the result and I'd have finally crossed that hurtle that most guys do when they are 16 or 17. Unfortunately, I suck of hooking up at bars or parties; never been my thing (if it were, I doubt I'd be writing this pain-tome out). '
So, pretty much, I'm stuck and apparently doomed to be humilated one way or another.
Bah, its a sucky weakness. I wish I just had a regular one like "gambling", "Drinking" or "pathological lying" sometimes; _THOSE_ I could deal with. They're practically accepted these days.