dannydmc

I have been having the incredibly odd urge to cry lately. I suppose if I was terribly unhappy, or has just recieved some sad news, I could understand it, but none of this is the case. Although teaching has been dragging me down, I would not consider myself to especially melloncholly, and in fact I've been enjoying having the house to myself and finally having the privacy to be myself without others watching.
No; this isn't 'sad' crying, its something else, and I am really having difficulty putting it into words. Maybe the best way to describe it is that I've been feeling this sudden surge of emotion lately, deep in my gut. I'd claim that its a recent thing, but I can remember having this same notion at least once or twice over the summer. It usually happens while watching a movie, listening to music or reading something; a certain symbol hits me, and I suddenly feel this power, and then a swell of emotion. The ending of "Lady in the Water" did it for me, believe it or not.
Its even gotten into my dreams lately. I had a cat back in High School, her name was Delenn. I loved that cat, she was a great pet. Anyway, she got pregnant and after giving birth seems to have fallen in a bit of mental illness. She dissapeared for over a week, abandoning the kittens, and when she came back she attacked my sister who the kittens had run to (my sister was, at that time, being more of a mother to them than their real one). My sister ended up locking herself in the dog kennel to get away from the small cat. Naturally, my Mother called my Uncle and had the cat shot. I came home from work to find out about it and.....I really didn't feel much of anything. It was logical after all, what had happened, I was a bit pissed at my mother; but I could understand. Well, the other night I had a dream about that cat and I ended up crying profusely, for what seemed like hours in the dream. At one point I even look in the mirror because I figured I'd never seen myself like that before.
I'm now torn between two extremes. Being your typical American guy, I don't exactly trust outward displays of any emotion which isn't either Anger or Frustration. Things seem to be a bit more open in the village I teach in, one of my students asked me when the last time I cried was, and everyone (guys included) were utterly amazed when I told them it was two years ago. Actually it was more like a year and a half; it was in Madison when everything was falling apart around me. That had been a really bad year for me.
On the other hand, part of me really wishes I could. Even though I'm feeling all right now, there is a small voice in me that tells me I'd feel 100 times better if only I would. The problem is, though, that I can't! I've actualy tried a few times now, and to no real effect. Nothing happens at all; I can feel something build up in me, but it never breaks the surface.

*sighs* So now you have it. All of you who thought I was a pretty decent guy from reading my journal now know that I'm apparently an emotionally repressed asshole. Great!