Okay. I have no stories right now... at least, none that I'm likely to tell... so here's a yarn from a couple of weeks back that I had typed anyway. Yes, I'm lazy. What are you, shocked or something?
Now gather round, young 'uns, and I shall tell you a tale of a man... a man named Uwe Boll.
Way back when in a land called Germany, was a man named Uwe, which was not so out of the ordinary 'round those parts. Uwe had hi'self one o' them fancy doctorates, in classic literature I reckon, but what he really wanted was to be a big, fancy, Hollywood director. This was his dream, and he weren't gonna let a little thing like a complete lack of talent stop him.
Uwe arrived as a Hollywood director with House of the Dead, an adaptation of that arcade game 'bout shootin' zombies the kids loved so much. The creators of Penny Arcade, havin' heard the buzz and some advance reviews and such, described his motives for doin' so like this.
What Uwe displayed in this here movie was a sort of anti-talent. It's not just that he failed to make a good movie, no... his movie was so very bad that it achieved a sort of horrible beauty. Every scene, every shot, every attempt at suspense or meaningful dialogue done so poorly that it was hard to look away. So it came to pass that, one evening at the Moviedome, we folk in the Nexus of Unproductivity became fascinated with Mr. Boll and vowed to keep seeking him out. 'Cause you see, somehow he managed to fail upwards. People in the real world or on that there internet talkin' about how he was so bad his films could be considered crimes against art somehow turned into positive buzz in the ears of Hollywood execs, and now he's the go-to guy for video game adaptations. Earlier this year his follow-up, Alone in the Dark, came out, now with actual has-been stars like Christian Slater and Tara Reid. Next year he's got Bloodrayne, based on the game where a half-vampire kills Nazis. Uwe, being German, seems to have found a way to remove the Nazis, but caring about the source material never was his thing. This one'll star folks like Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and Oscar winner Ben fucking Kingsley.
So about a week and half back, the boys gather here in the Nexus. We have a hankering to watch some bad movies, and I suggest a double-header of Uwe Boll. So, once burgers had been eaten and generous amounts of beer purchased, in went the Video Vulture's Chinese bootleg copy of House of the Dead (he'd rather his money go to the Tong than Uwe Boll). 'Bout 30 minutes in, long after the last boobie had been flashed, One of the new inductees to Uwe announces "This movie is bad. I mean, you said it was, but... this is [I[bad." Every time they used footage from the game as a bridge between scenes, a groan would rise from the crowd. We did not manage to watch Alone in the Dark, though... you see, Nexus movie nights work like this. I have an agenda; specific movies or at least a specific theme I want to get through. The Video Vulture, like at any social function, has the Bag of Fun. A hodge-podge of games and movies designed to hopefully fill any gap. So when he suggested waiting until after House of the Dead was over before renting Alone in the Dark, I suspected the latter half of the evening might be hijacked. And indeed, instead we watched a (probably) equally dreadful movie about a bisexual S&M vampire assassin. There were few complaints about his choice, but much booing of the ending.
Someday we'll actually manage to watch Alone in the Dark... someday... hopefully before Bloodrayne lurches its way into theatres...
This Folksy Tale of Bad Movies was brought to you by Danny G.
"Someone owes me a fucking apology for this thing existing."
-R.K. Milholland
Now gather round, young 'uns, and I shall tell you a tale of a man... a man named Uwe Boll.
Way back when in a land called Germany, was a man named Uwe, which was not so out of the ordinary 'round those parts. Uwe had hi'self one o' them fancy doctorates, in classic literature I reckon, but what he really wanted was to be a big, fancy, Hollywood director. This was his dream, and he weren't gonna let a little thing like a complete lack of talent stop him.
Uwe arrived as a Hollywood director with House of the Dead, an adaptation of that arcade game 'bout shootin' zombies the kids loved so much. The creators of Penny Arcade, havin' heard the buzz and some advance reviews and such, described his motives for doin' so like this.
What Uwe displayed in this here movie was a sort of anti-talent. It's not just that he failed to make a good movie, no... his movie was so very bad that it achieved a sort of horrible beauty. Every scene, every shot, every attempt at suspense or meaningful dialogue done so poorly that it was hard to look away. So it came to pass that, one evening at the Moviedome, we folk in the Nexus of Unproductivity became fascinated with Mr. Boll and vowed to keep seeking him out. 'Cause you see, somehow he managed to fail upwards. People in the real world or on that there internet talkin' about how he was so bad his films could be considered crimes against art somehow turned into positive buzz in the ears of Hollywood execs, and now he's the go-to guy for video game adaptations. Earlier this year his follow-up, Alone in the Dark, came out, now with actual has-been stars like Christian Slater and Tara Reid. Next year he's got Bloodrayne, based on the game where a half-vampire kills Nazis. Uwe, being German, seems to have found a way to remove the Nazis, but caring about the source material never was his thing. This one'll star folks like Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and Oscar winner Ben fucking Kingsley.
So about a week and half back, the boys gather here in the Nexus. We have a hankering to watch some bad movies, and I suggest a double-header of Uwe Boll. So, once burgers had been eaten and generous amounts of beer purchased, in went the Video Vulture's Chinese bootleg copy of House of the Dead (he'd rather his money go to the Tong than Uwe Boll). 'Bout 30 minutes in, long after the last boobie had been flashed, One of the new inductees to Uwe announces "This movie is bad. I mean, you said it was, but... this is [I[bad." Every time they used footage from the game as a bridge between scenes, a groan would rise from the crowd. We did not manage to watch Alone in the Dark, though... you see, Nexus movie nights work like this. I have an agenda; specific movies or at least a specific theme I want to get through. The Video Vulture, like at any social function, has the Bag of Fun. A hodge-podge of games and movies designed to hopefully fill any gap. So when he suggested waiting until after House of the Dead was over before renting Alone in the Dark, I suspected the latter half of the evening might be hijacked. And indeed, instead we watched a (probably) equally dreadful movie about a bisexual S&M vampire assassin. There were few complaints about his choice, but much booing of the ending.
Someday we'll actually manage to watch Alone in the Dark... someday... hopefully before Bloodrayne lurches its way into theatres...
This Folksy Tale of Bad Movies was brought to you by Danny G.
"Someone owes me a fucking apology for this thing existing."
-R.K. Milholland
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
It's Nov 26th, after 7pm...It's gonna be fun.
We're gonna play pin the tail on the donkey, an spin the bottle and twister an eat cake til we're sick.
d&d! me please!!!