So i skipped class today to seriously work on this whole "turning into the hulk" endeavor, so far i have on threatener and i got really really angry my big toe looked like it started to turn green but im not quite sure. i do know that if i continue this without amazing results ill probably pass out from the strain.
UNTITLED:
So I had this shitty job, to feed my shitty habit (some people might call me a junkie); but anyways, I joined a cult to sell knives. The catch was I had to go to these goddam meetings twice a week and call in every morning to share my love of cutlery. They made these fucking robots at some factory in Olean, NY, slapping real skin on pure masochism, and then they gave them titles like, sales manager or professional jackass and told them to go forth and multiply. This weeks host was some guy with two first names, like Tim Jack, or Robb Todd, but that doesnt really matter. He had these fucking teeth that were inhumanly white and resembled chiclets crammed into a plastic face. Im sure this standard issue. And as we sit there like youthful little sponges waiting to soak up this shit soup, he puts on his winningest smile and begins.
Hey guys this meeting is gonna friggin rock, seriously we have, (insert name here), whos sold over twenty billion dollars worth of knives face to face, one on one with customers, in less than two hours! Applause, applause, applause. Clapping is so infectious no matter how hard you fight it, youll always give in. I know isnt that amazing? She truly is a hero for all of us. But anyways, Im sitting up here just babbling away, so without further ado here she is, (insert name here).
Then this fucking behemoth stands up gyrating like a drunken top, throwing around her jovial mass, bouncing unevenly, flailing, with this nauseating professionalism, her voice caught in the throes of eternal pubescent cracking, like the spoon digging in the bowl for that last bit of ice cream soup. She lumbers by and Im caught in the wake of her nauseating stench, that vain attempt to cover the fact that she cant wipe properly because of her mass, with designer knock off perfume. I can almost smell the rotting corpse of that small woodland creature she caught in that gaping maw, gnashing the life out of it while trying desperately not to choke. But I cant help but picture her naked.
Hey guys, I know you all just want to go home, but this is gonna be really dynamite info, so if you could take some notes that would be great. Shes dragging out the last syllable of every last word in her sentences, complete with a heartfelt sigh, like your over emotional aunt so and so. She breaths heavily from seemingly every orifice, producing a high pitch whistle barely audible but irritating none the less. Listen. I was in your position last week sitting in these same uncomfortable steel chairs she must have spent hours practicing those hand gestures, like a master conductor practicing under water. Jesus I really want to go jerk off and now I have 3 trillion dollars and I bought a small island. I find my self wondering if they just went to some fat camp and gave some broad a pint of Ben and Jerrys, dressed her up and gave her this script. and I know youre all wondering, how can I do that? Well let me tell you. First go out and tell a million people you know, or dont know, it doesnt really matter to Cultco, to get this job, and then you just sit on your ass And watch it get fatter. . And you collect five percent of everything they sell, but if its not too hard you should go out and sell like a vegetable peeler. Or you could do like I did and just order one for yourself. Not that I eat vegetables, but its good for scraping off bedsores. What? Oh of course this isnt a pyramid scheme, its multi-level marketing, isnt that exciting? Its our way of skirting the law and getting insanely rich at ignorant college kids expense
The room is filled with bright eyed, bushy tailed college kids all gaping at the possibility of instant fortune. And then theres me, complete with my sick intestinal bile begging to be spewed on your face, pleading to be trapped between your rolls and in your nose hairs, hate and self-loathing. I want to ruin you and make you hate yourself as much as I do. Yet Im so enthusiastic my guts are going to implode. My plastic smile is stretched so tight my eyes cant blink, raw and blistered my gums are bleeding and my spine is pumping pure bliss to every inch of capillary, Im going to overdose on love of cutlery and its better than heroin. Her voice is glazed over with artificial sweetness, saccharine poison, (nutra-sweet is the devil, if they can lie to your tongue what else is a chemical illusion?) shes reaching out and infecting those weak sheep who cling to this happy brainwashing.
I can read all their minds through their vacant eyes please mold me, make me one of you. Talk to me, Im so lonely, give me purpose, enslave me.
Youre all so unique in your conformity; tell me again and again these self evident truths, these axioms. Smash your dogmas into my face. Make me bleed love and enthusiasm. Please I know nothing.
Confidence is key.
Dont worry you didnt miss anything shes still up there screeching like a child without his Ritalintm. Jesus, there must be a cattle prod up your ass. How can anyone reach this level of intensity?
Now my beautiful impressionable smiling zombies multiply and ring the bell of every house in every city in the world. Amass an army and the money flows up, gimme the names and numbers of everyone you know, lie to your friends, tell them that uncle Cultco wants them to serve their country, or that you have to do this, they kidnaped my puppy and if I dont do what they say theyll rape it, or sodomize my mother . Go now in peace the mass has ended.
Leaving these things is like leaving a family gathering, this is like the thirtieth meeting Ive been to and it still takes hours to get out the fucking door. All the managers and what not making sure theres nothing they can do for you at the present time, maybe wipe your ass, or put a hit out on a bill collector, so protective of their investments. They always have to shake your hand or give that half hug I hate so much, and make uncomfortable eye contact as well, like theyre mentally raping you, Im sure thats in the manager manual.
Managers Manual
Exit procedures for sales meetings:
1. Make sure your employees feel important
2. Always ask if theres anything you can do for your employees, one on one counseling, tips for sales, maybe a high colonic.
3. Make sure to picture your employees taking it in the ass to make yourself feel important.
These are the things that make excellent managers, remember these tips and
youll go far with Cultco.
To be continued...
UNTITLED:
So I had this shitty job, to feed my shitty habit (some people might call me a junkie); but anyways, I joined a cult to sell knives. The catch was I had to go to these goddam meetings twice a week and call in every morning to share my love of cutlery. They made these fucking robots at some factory in Olean, NY, slapping real skin on pure masochism, and then they gave them titles like, sales manager or professional jackass and told them to go forth and multiply. This weeks host was some guy with two first names, like Tim Jack, or Robb Todd, but that doesnt really matter. He had these fucking teeth that were inhumanly white and resembled chiclets crammed into a plastic face. Im sure this standard issue. And as we sit there like youthful little sponges waiting to soak up this shit soup, he puts on his winningest smile and begins.
Hey guys this meeting is gonna friggin rock, seriously we have, (insert name here), whos sold over twenty billion dollars worth of knives face to face, one on one with customers, in less than two hours! Applause, applause, applause. Clapping is so infectious no matter how hard you fight it, youll always give in. I know isnt that amazing? She truly is a hero for all of us. But anyways, Im sitting up here just babbling away, so without further ado here she is, (insert name here).
Then this fucking behemoth stands up gyrating like a drunken top, throwing around her jovial mass, bouncing unevenly, flailing, with this nauseating professionalism, her voice caught in the throes of eternal pubescent cracking, like the spoon digging in the bowl for that last bit of ice cream soup. She lumbers by and Im caught in the wake of her nauseating stench, that vain attempt to cover the fact that she cant wipe properly because of her mass, with designer knock off perfume. I can almost smell the rotting corpse of that small woodland creature she caught in that gaping maw, gnashing the life out of it while trying desperately not to choke. But I cant help but picture her naked.
Hey guys, I know you all just want to go home, but this is gonna be really dynamite info, so if you could take some notes that would be great. Shes dragging out the last syllable of every last word in her sentences, complete with a heartfelt sigh, like your over emotional aunt so and so. She breaths heavily from seemingly every orifice, producing a high pitch whistle barely audible but irritating none the less. Listen. I was in your position last week sitting in these same uncomfortable steel chairs she must have spent hours practicing those hand gestures, like a master conductor practicing under water. Jesus I really want to go jerk off and now I have 3 trillion dollars and I bought a small island. I find my self wondering if they just went to some fat camp and gave some broad a pint of Ben and Jerrys, dressed her up and gave her this script. and I know youre all wondering, how can I do that? Well let me tell you. First go out and tell a million people you know, or dont know, it doesnt really matter to Cultco, to get this job, and then you just sit on your ass And watch it get fatter. . And you collect five percent of everything they sell, but if its not too hard you should go out and sell like a vegetable peeler. Or you could do like I did and just order one for yourself. Not that I eat vegetables, but its good for scraping off bedsores. What? Oh of course this isnt a pyramid scheme, its multi-level marketing, isnt that exciting? Its our way of skirting the law and getting insanely rich at ignorant college kids expense
The room is filled with bright eyed, bushy tailed college kids all gaping at the possibility of instant fortune. And then theres me, complete with my sick intestinal bile begging to be spewed on your face, pleading to be trapped between your rolls and in your nose hairs, hate and self-loathing. I want to ruin you and make you hate yourself as much as I do. Yet Im so enthusiastic my guts are going to implode. My plastic smile is stretched so tight my eyes cant blink, raw and blistered my gums are bleeding and my spine is pumping pure bliss to every inch of capillary, Im going to overdose on love of cutlery and its better than heroin. Her voice is glazed over with artificial sweetness, saccharine poison, (nutra-sweet is the devil, if they can lie to your tongue what else is a chemical illusion?) shes reaching out and infecting those weak sheep who cling to this happy brainwashing.
I can read all their minds through their vacant eyes please mold me, make me one of you. Talk to me, Im so lonely, give me purpose, enslave me.
Youre all so unique in your conformity; tell me again and again these self evident truths, these axioms. Smash your dogmas into my face. Make me bleed love and enthusiasm. Please I know nothing.
Confidence is key.
Dont worry you didnt miss anything shes still up there screeching like a child without his Ritalintm. Jesus, there must be a cattle prod up your ass. How can anyone reach this level of intensity?
Now my beautiful impressionable smiling zombies multiply and ring the bell of every house in every city in the world. Amass an army and the money flows up, gimme the names and numbers of everyone you know, lie to your friends, tell them that uncle Cultco wants them to serve their country, or that you have to do this, they kidnaped my puppy and if I dont do what they say theyll rape it, or sodomize my mother . Go now in peace the mass has ended.
Leaving these things is like leaving a family gathering, this is like the thirtieth meeting Ive been to and it still takes hours to get out the fucking door. All the managers and what not making sure theres nothing they can do for you at the present time, maybe wipe your ass, or put a hit out on a bill collector, so protective of their investments. They always have to shake your hand or give that half hug I hate so much, and make uncomfortable eye contact as well, like theyre mentally raping you, Im sure thats in the manager manual.
Managers Manual
Exit procedures for sales meetings:
1. Make sure your employees feel important
2. Always ask if theres anything you can do for your employees, one on one counseling, tips for sales, maybe a high colonic.
3. Make sure to picture your employees taking it in the ass to make yourself feel important.
These are the things that make excellent managers, remember these tips and
youll go far with Cultco.
To be continued...