Fuck. I hate. I hate hating. But I hate.
I really really really hate my job. yes, we've been through this before. But I'm really starting to hate myself for continuing there. I hate how they tie you to the company - since I've worked there, I get free dental care (I hadn't been to a dentist in YEARS). I get free contacts. I get almost free birth control. I'm paying off my student loan.
But I hate myself. I hate my things. I hate looking around my room and seeing THINGS. I don't want this crap anymore. I don't want my nice bookshelf and my dvd player and my gamecube. I don't want my two hundred shitty cds and tons of dvds. They're just things.... why do I have them?
I will continue at this job and it makes me sick. I hate the sound of my voice at work. I hate trying to SELL to people. But I also know that I will hate any job I have. There will always be something wrong. At least when I worked at the restaurant it took a few years before I started to despise it. I can't let myself go back to working shifts for $10 an hour or less. I want to. I want nothing more than to just give all of my things away, take She-Ra, and just get away. But I have this stupid loan hanging over my head. I can't get away from it. And as long as it's there, I have to stay in a job that will help me to get rid of it. FUCK.
I should just start doing porn. I'm serious. If I'm going to prostitute myself, I'd feel better doing it honestly. If I'm going to fuck people to make money I really should be naked with their cock in my mouth while doing it.
Gah. I haven't even been in this city a year. So I can't blame it on that. I don't really know what is causing this. Especially because if you've been reading my last couple of entries, you can see that I'm managed to tie up some loose ends and have ended some shitty situations. So in a lot of ways right now I'm much happier. But now I'm just focussing on ME, not anyone else. Which means I can look at myself and see me walking into a building every day wearing heels and skirt with my little company pin on my sweater and my goddamn pass card around my neck.
I haven't been to a punk rock show in months.
I miss living in a tiny Toronto basement apartment, packing a lunch for my crazy boyfriend, going to work and not hiding myself, and getting in for free to all of the shows. It was so simple. Things were good.
I also hate the fact that I seem to have become a whiny little bitch over the last few days.
And I hate that I have a crazy insane crush right now that makes me insanely happy. Okay, I love that I have the crush. But I hate that it's unexpected and uncontrollable and I can't touch it.
I really really really hate my job. yes, we've been through this before. But I'm really starting to hate myself for continuing there. I hate how they tie you to the company - since I've worked there, I get free dental care (I hadn't been to a dentist in YEARS). I get free contacts. I get almost free birth control. I'm paying off my student loan.
But I hate myself. I hate my things. I hate looking around my room and seeing THINGS. I don't want this crap anymore. I don't want my nice bookshelf and my dvd player and my gamecube. I don't want my two hundred shitty cds and tons of dvds. They're just things.... why do I have them?
I will continue at this job and it makes me sick. I hate the sound of my voice at work. I hate trying to SELL to people. But I also know that I will hate any job I have. There will always be something wrong. At least when I worked at the restaurant it took a few years before I started to despise it. I can't let myself go back to working shifts for $10 an hour or less. I want to. I want nothing more than to just give all of my things away, take She-Ra, and just get away. But I have this stupid loan hanging over my head. I can't get away from it. And as long as it's there, I have to stay in a job that will help me to get rid of it. FUCK.
I should just start doing porn. I'm serious. If I'm going to prostitute myself, I'd feel better doing it honestly. If I'm going to fuck people to make money I really should be naked with their cock in my mouth while doing it.
Gah. I haven't even been in this city a year. So I can't blame it on that. I don't really know what is causing this. Especially because if you've been reading my last couple of entries, you can see that I'm managed to tie up some loose ends and have ended some shitty situations. So in a lot of ways right now I'm much happier. But now I'm just focussing on ME, not anyone else. Which means I can look at myself and see me walking into a building every day wearing heels and skirt with my little company pin on my sweater and my goddamn pass card around my neck.
I haven't been to a punk rock show in months.
I miss living in a tiny Toronto basement apartment, packing a lunch for my crazy boyfriend, going to work and not hiding myself, and getting in for free to all of the shows. It was so simple. Things were good.
I also hate the fact that I seem to have become a whiny little bitch over the last few days.
And I hate that I have a crazy insane crush right now that makes me insanely happy. Okay, I love that I have the crush. But I hate that it's unexpected and uncontrollable and I can't touch it.
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It might help to set yourself some long-term goals. That's how I force myself to work my shit job and go to my stupid classes. After this I'm going to have to get an even shittier shit job, but it's a means to and end. It will all be worth it when I'm working for myself and living over my studio, making custom metalwork for people.
Woo-ha!
hope things get better for you