I just watched a really sappy movie that I have already seen before. I watched it when I was younger, and didn't think too much about it. Being so young the first time around I didn't notice all the connotations that can be taken out of it, and applied to my own life.
Basically, I realised something that I have realised so many times before, but I found a way to connect it to the things I didn't think it conected to. I've tried to hide behind myself. I created a wall a long time ago. It kept all the pain out, but it kept me locked inside just as much. I'd let it keep me from the things that will could truly make me happy. Could, you ask. The wall that I had built around myself has protected me for this long, but had protected me from experience. I've tried to find the answers within myself, and they have only gotten me so far. I told someone else I would try to tear it down for their bebefit. Needless to say, that failed.
It's actually a part of why I am here, now. I've latched onto others to fulfill myself, and it hasn't worked. The worst thing is that it has kept me from being honest with anyone, especially myself. I've been afraid to do certain things because of what it could mean. The possibility that it could fail has been enough for me to not risk it at all. It's a fallback option. If I didn't lay things on the line, things can't hurt me. I've never been so misguided, or wrong, in my life. Even writing this much about it is unsettling me, and it shows just how scared I truly am.
I tried to blame it on things that weren't at all the cause, rather they were scapegoats for a larger and more self-imposed problem. I've said the same things for so long. Set my heart on things that I want, and haven't followed through. All because I didn't want to fail. It felt better to be safe than to be sorry. The only question for me now is: Do I tear this blockade down in one, sweeping destructive motion, or should I take it apart piece by piece?
Basically, I realised something that I have realised so many times before, but I found a way to connect it to the things I didn't think it conected to. I've tried to hide behind myself. I created a wall a long time ago. It kept all the pain out, but it kept me locked inside just as much. I'd let it keep me from the things that will could truly make me happy. Could, you ask. The wall that I had built around myself has protected me for this long, but had protected me from experience. I've tried to find the answers within myself, and they have only gotten me so far. I told someone else I would try to tear it down for their bebefit. Needless to say, that failed.
It's actually a part of why I am here, now. I've latched onto others to fulfill myself, and it hasn't worked. The worst thing is that it has kept me from being honest with anyone, especially myself. I've been afraid to do certain things because of what it could mean. The possibility that it could fail has been enough for me to not risk it at all. It's a fallback option. If I didn't lay things on the line, things can't hurt me. I've never been so misguided, or wrong, in my life. Even writing this much about it is unsettling me, and it shows just how scared I truly am.
I tried to blame it on things that weren't at all the cause, rather they were scapegoats for a larger and more self-imposed problem. I've said the same things for so long. Set my heart on things that I want, and haven't followed through. All because I didn't want to fail. It felt better to be safe than to be sorry. The only question for me now is: Do I tear this blockade down in one, sweeping destructive motion, or should I take it apart piece by piece?
And I won't be entertained by your misery. My job is so fucking miserable I'd probably just commiserate with you.
I had the same blockade for a long time. I was unhappy with my life and looked for other things to fill it. I got married basically because I thought it would be someone to fulfill me. Instead, I got ripped apart. I had a near nervous breakdown, but its very hard to get to the point where you don't have that blockade up. It prevents you from being happy- but it keeps you from being hurt. You get into this limbo groove where you feel safe.
Alas, someone always manages to bust through with their fancy greek fire and fuck me up. Thank's for the comment.