damon

if a life threatening decision doesnt matter to you... then i apologize for bothering you and im sorry. but as you now know, it matters to me alot. its real for me and you said you do in fact use cocaine. and as i linked to you... no one can know which dose (no matter how infrequent or tiny) will be their last, so your definition of "cocaine that i never use" could still prove deadly. i only wanted to give you the facts and let you decide what that momentary *high* might truly be worth to you.

and maybe its just that i care about you and think you are too special for the rest of us to risk losing so unnecessarily. and i think we both believe that for someone like you, this *high* is not necessary, but rather an afterthought once or twice a year... and perhaps thats not worth it, with all things clearly considered. thats all im asking you to do, consider deeply if its worth it to you or not, worth potentially putting your loved ones through so much pain so that you can get *high* once or twice a year with this fatal substance. and maybe i just care so much about you that i feel i have to let you know what i know about this drug and its effects.

as for me, if i were unknowingly (or carelessly) putting my life in jeopardy... i would only wish that there was someone close enough to me in my life that would share similar loving protective sentiments with me, someone that i could trust. and i would wish that i wouldnt chide them for doing so, no matter what i might be going through.

and i wish you will decide that you would rather choose that i continue to develop strong feelings for you over a choice to continue to use coke even if its only 'when it happens to be around'... because i can never give myself over fully to anyone who thinks russian roullette is acceptable. even though i want to for you, i cant put myself in that position to be so hurt for any one, no matter how much i love them... because they are saying their *high* is worth more to them than protecting me from the pain should they perish while they "party". instead of offering blind love and hoping their number never comes up... i would only do what im doing now, offer them instead my experience and a different path, a path that lovingly considers me and all of their dearly loved ones.

i am sorry youre having a tough time right now. i feel for you. and i know what that can be like to re-live the experience of losing a soulmate, like it seems we have both lost in recent years. mine went behind a gas station and blew their brains out without giving me a chance to say goodbye, so i personally try not to reflect on their death too often.

my prayers go out to you.

love,
D