I guess my last entry was distant and didn't detail how I've been doing. I am alive, I am here. I'm not feeling. I am just here. My life is a little askew right now, and it's making me a little bit unemotional right now. But, that's the way life is..
My ex is very much into me and my business, calling me, texting me with " Sweet dreams Benny "(my nickname from her) and of course, " I miss you ". She hasn't replied if it's a I miss your friendship, or a I miss you. But, maybe its better that way. I feel that after 3 years of being seperated that I can't show her that deep down a part of me still loves her, even though I'm not in love with her anymore.. but that still doesn't know that I can't become in love with her again. Does that make me weak? Does that make something wrong with me, because it seems like I've hanged on. I guess I'm really afarid to show her that I still care for her, even though it's not that kind of care. Amber did a number on me, and no amount of time can heal that wound. But, sometimes I don't know if being her friend will pour salt over a wound that I didn't let heal. But, either way.. I'm not really ready to take the band-aid off and find out.
I guess maybe that's why my world is askew, and I'm detaching myself. Because I just can't open myself up right now. No matter how much I want too, I can't, and sometimes I feel like I won't ever be able to again. No matter how lonely it is.
My ex is very much into me and my business, calling me, texting me with " Sweet dreams Benny "(my nickname from her) and of course, " I miss you ". She hasn't replied if it's a I miss your friendship, or a I miss you. But, maybe its better that way. I feel that after 3 years of being seperated that I can't show her that deep down a part of me still loves her, even though I'm not in love with her anymore.. but that still doesn't know that I can't become in love with her again. Does that make me weak? Does that make something wrong with me, because it seems like I've hanged on. I guess I'm really afarid to show her that I still care for her, even though it's not that kind of care. Amber did a number on me, and no amount of time can heal that wound. But, sometimes I don't know if being her friend will pour salt over a wound that I didn't let heal. But, either way.. I'm not really ready to take the band-aid off and find out.
I guess maybe that's why my world is askew, and I'm detaching myself. Because I just can't open myself up right now. No matter how much I want too, I can't, and sometimes I feel like I won't ever be able to again. No matter how lonely it is.
accepting that you don't have to be strong all the time makes you divine