My homework is... late. Just saying. @lyxzen, @charmaine and @rambo have all taken turns whacking me with a ruler and telling me that I only get half credit for homework turned in after the end of quarter... and that they'll whack me again each time I turn it in. Whew, are my knuckles sore. The headmistresses of SGU are a hard bunch.
But I'm stubborn, and have never shied away from self-inflicted consequences. Besides, folks, you've seen our instructors, right? Just being here is a reward. Plus, the rest of the class is just as pretty as the teachers.
And our curriculum rocks.
What is your biggest accomplishment?That was the question posed in the week of September 19th. Yeah, I know: almost a month ago. Our campus is... distracting. What. Tear your eyes away from Ass Apprecition for two seconds, wipe the drool off your face, and tell me I'm wrong.
That's what I thought.
Now, back to the assignment. I was indeed stalling there, because it is somewhat uncomfortable for me to talk about my accomplishments. I embarrass easily, and if I don't check myself, I may tend to brag. I like to avoid that. The only thing that pisses me off more than arrogance is hypocrisy, and I actively like to avoid both. As a result, I avoid my own accomplishments. (Sometimes to the point that I do not accomplish anything. And that's a problem too. *sigh*)
Which actually leads me to my biggest accomplishment.
Self-Realization
In the past, and to a lesser extent, at present, I had/have a tendency to bury my head in the sand about my own failings. They're uncomfortable, they're embarrassing and they do a number on a guy's self-confidence. I'm pretty hard on myself as it is. This downward spiral kills a lot more than motivation and mood.
Relationships suffer from becoming a shut-in (another dodge). Meeting new people? How exactly does one do that when hiding? Solitude doesn't lend itself to forging new or lasting friendships. Oh, and that adds guilt to the pile, since the people you already know are shut out. The list of horrific personal consequences is extensive, and can plunge me straight into my own personal worst enemy:
Myself.
When I look back, I can see all the signs pointing to where I first foundered in my depression. This was early; fourth grade. That was when I started to actually be aware of other kids and what they thought of me. I took the thoughtless cruelty of other children hard; I was sensitive. It took me a long time and a lot of senseless bitterness and hate to realize that I was pointing the proverbial gun the wrong direction.
I was the goddamn problem.
My reactions were the problem. As a defense, I became better at laughing at me than anyone else. After all, they were around for just the one example of me being a moron. I was around for all of them. (and let's face it, folks, we've all done some things we've looked back upon later and thought, "What the fuck was I thinking?! Am I really that..." And we trail off and simply facepalm dejectedly.)
However, as good as I still am at laughing at me, it has become more good-natured these days. I put the damn gun away, because I realized that it wasn't the gun I should point at me-- it was a mirror.
It's taken a ridiculously long time to do it, but I have finally managed to see myself more clearly. Depression is still there, but it's not the issue it used to be. It's chemical. I understand it. My idiosyncrasies and eccentricities are more clear to me, enough that I could probably write a warning label for myself. But I understand them. Some of them need to go, yes, outdated and counterproductive as they are, but I'm 'managing my condition.'
The most important part of all of this was that I found things in me (that had been pretty beaten up over the years) that I liked. Qualities I could admire in myself. Things like loyalty, honor, generosity, honesty (once I was able to be honest with me), compassion... It goes on, and I kind of blush and smile a bit to find that there are things that remain in me that I like after all these years. I really am a resilient soul.
There are still some things in me that go down like glass shards in my Frosted Flakes, and there are times I still piss myself off with ridiculous behaviors, but all in all, I think I have a pretty good handle on it.
I look around me and see that there are people who have it worse and are still struggling with their own psyches. I feel for them, and I want to help them. I'm realistic enough to know that what worked for me might not necessarily work for them, but I'm willing to stand by them to offer them what they can use of my understanding, my shoulder, my sympathy... or my distance, if that's what is called for. If they need a hand up or even a kick in the ass, I am steadfastly there. Even if I suck at communicating those all those things. (Cue laughing at myself)
And I think that's what I like the best about myself.
I. Am. Flawed.
And that's my biggest achievement.
