So life is weird. My brother un-alived himself a month ago and mourning him has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do/will ever do. He would greatly dislike me for posting a picture of him so I won't be doing that.
Part of the mourning process is talking about it and how it's effected my life. Who am I going to be now?
I was a little sister and now that my brother is an ex living person I'm no longer a little sister. My whole identity has changed over night and dealing with this has been the most confusing thing in the world. Who is my leader? Who am I to impress now? Looking up to my brother was half of my reason behind doing anything. As much as I understand his reason it doesn't make losing him any easier. Accepting his past absence yes but the loss that my future feels is unfathomable. I'm grateful to have had 29 and a half roller coaster years with my big brother, and nothing in the world could make me love you any less Bro Joe Joe Joe. ❤.
SG extended version: After adulthood hit us, My brother and I were always proud of eachother, no matter what we did or how well we did it. He would be the most proud of me for how I'm mourning him. The situation is insanely complicated and I won't be sharing any details. In hopes that this will help me process some emotions, I'm writing this out on more than a page in a journal.
I support my brother. I have no other choice. I didn't get one and I'm ok with that. His death wasn't about me and for that I'm grateful. Finding the light in such darkness is how I will get through this. My brother gives me strength to act with integrity and discipline in the next coming years as I explore life no longer as his little sister. I loved being a little sister to my brother, there wasn't a feeling out there like it. Knowing I'll never be in his physical presence again makes my skin boil but all I have to do is think of him and he's there. He is energy in consciousness so when I need him, he's there in an instant and that's magic worth writting home about.
I know I have more to say but it will have to come out another time. Thank you for being there for me to share this with. I may have not found much worth sharing here recently but I'm betting it's had something to do with the state of mind my brother has been in.
This whole experience has been very enlightening and the universe makes more sense now believe it or not.
Thank you for reading.
Dame Suicide.
XOXOXO
🖤🖤🖤
