So earlier today I had a very unfortunate conversation with a hopeful that will remain unnamed because she's not the only one I've wanted to speak up about. It's not my place to judge anyone on this site for why they're here but I took it very personal because I hate to bare witness to the extent of The SG community being taken advantage of for selfish reasons.
First lemme give you an idea of just how much impact this community has done for me over the years.. I learned of SG in 2006 while I was in grade school, I would find comfort in knowing that there were women out there being praised for what I had been regularly bullied and shamed harshly for. I lived my life that day on dedicated to being myself and trying to not let the judgment of others deter me from my happiness and freedom of expression. It wasn't until I turned 18 that I started considering even applying to be an SG and even then I was convinced I was too weird and no one would like me. I've only been active on the site since December 21st 2015, but I still remember The day I got accepted to be a hopeful for SG. I remember what I was wearing, what I was thinking, where I was in my life and I don't think I will ever forget it.
Before I was accepted to be a hopeful I was too chicken to become a member so I just stalked their social medias. I saw how amazing the community was just on their social media pages. Women constantly building each other up and speaking their minds, defending something worth defending, being themselves and being rewarded for it, it was beautiful. It was something I wanted to be a part of, not only to receive the support but to finally have a place where the love and support I'm capable of giving is not taken for granted and fed off of for selfish gain.
I decided to shoot my first set. IT WAS AWFUL. and I knew it. Not even 1/32 of my brain thought it would get bought, I didn't want it to get bought. I only wanted to finally get myself out there, show that I had confidence and that I had finally started being comfortable in my own skin! All thanks to what I saw in the SG community. It was the longest 5 months of my life, not because I had the expectation for it to get bought but because I was terrified of all the negative feedback I might get because it was so bad.
Literally the worst comment on there was "oh what a professional photographer could do with you" and it immediately aided in me shedding the weight of a lot of the shit that's been holding me back, a lot of what makes me self conscious.
My second set (soft as silk) I shot in chicago.The shots and angles were better but my editing still suuuuckkked. AGAIN I was 100% certain it wasn't going to make set of the day. It was another bad set haha. BUT it was better than the first one! Which showed growth, in not only my photo directing but in my posing and getting even more comfortable getting naked on camera.
Both of my sets got over 1500 hearts. I was ecstatic, FINALLY I had the confidence to contact a staff photographer. It wasn't until August 2017 that I had reached out to some staff pgs before everyone pointed me to @lady. She took what I've been building in myself from 2006 and turned it into magic. (show your work).
MY FIRST SET OF THE DAY YAAAAYYY. I got woken up by @lady and @incontrol88 just blowing up my phone at 2 in the morning with the news. I literally felt every emotion there was to feel in one moment and then cried for an hour. I was angry because I had let the opinions of everyone I loved run my life into self loathing until now. I was proud because no matter how many people told me I was ugly for having different colored hair, abnormal tattoos, miss matched socks, thrift store clothes, a dark "outside of the box" set of mind and the desire to be embrace my differences instead of masking them, I still never stopped fighting for the weird. I was sad for the woman that I would have become if I had never known what SG was. I was complete. At ease. Home.
After learning that this hopeful had been on the site for less than a year and was considering giving up after her first set didn't get bought and didn't think paying $300+ to go through another staff photographer would be worth it. I asked her why she wanted to be a suicidegirl, I simultaneously shat out and threw up my heart when she said it was just to gain exposure and for financial gain.
The conversation I often hear the most of a few hopefuls is them trying to decipher how to get set of the day. It's like they put more effort into studying the set of the days then they put towards being contributing members of the community or even better models and it is like nails on a chalkboard to me. There is also the "if this set doesn't get bought I'm just going to quit, I could be making more money elsewhere" conversations. As if they're entitled to it purely because they paid for the sets. It's almost like they've never looked up how many hopefuls there actually are and how long they have been trying before them. and SO WHAT there are some girls that get their debut sets bought, DO NOT EXPECT IT. If you don't get set of the day immediately, don't get discouraged. Take it as a push in the right direction to improve, do something different, NURTURE YOURSELF and GROW as not only a model but a person. If you're here just for the title, you're here for the wrong reasons and it is insulting to the women like me who have worked towards achieving it most their lives.
So I'm sitting here, heart broken that there are girls on here looking for a title, out of what thousands of other amazing women, including me that have made a home from. If you're a hopeful and your main concern is just getting set of the day, it's obvious.
Suicidegirl status is EARNED, not MANIPULATED.
I'm sorry if I'm over stepping any boundaries but I feel very passionately about this and it has just gotten too much for me to hold in anymore.
Thank you for reading.
Dame Suicide ❤
XOXO
