daleyy

Alright so i have some things that i want to get out of my head and i thought maybe if i blogged it, it would help. So this may be a long one. First off as you all probably know i am pregnant, and well as most of you might not know the father broke up with me a week before i found out. When i told him that i was he told me that he doesn't want another kid at all and wants nothing to do with it in any way shape or form. He actually wanted me to get an abortion (which i am severely against). So i am still not sure whether or not i will keep the baby or give it up for adoption. I am sure thought that i will end up keeping it. Anyways so im not sure if this is my subconscious talking or what, but lately i have been noticing alot of fathers with there kids, and younge couples then me that have kids and are still together. Well seeing this makes me feel like crap, like i screwed up, like im a failure. People tell me Alicia, your not dont think that, things happen for a reason. blah blah blah. im sorry that i cant really control what i think for the most part. My whole life i have screwed up and fix it over and over and over again. Well this time i feel like im not going to be able to fix it. I haven't told my family about this at all only my sister Heidi and my brother Neals girlfriend. I know that if i tell my mother before she leaves that she will not leave, and i do not want to be the one responsible for her possible ruining something that might be the best thing for her. I don't want to tell my sister Jenny cause to her im already the biggest fuck up that this family has seen and well this would just give her more reason to talk shit about me and treat me like crap. I want to tell my dad so badly but im afraid to, for many reason, 1-im daddy's little girl 2- were catholic's and well thats well ya i wont get into that 3- im not married, nor am i with the father any more(even tho i got pregnant when we were still together) but ya anyways i don't want to tell my brother Mat cause well hes the one that always sticks up for me and tells the family how much i am not a fuck up and this would really disappoint him and i don't want to that. so i am at a loss for what to do. im not asking anyone for help all i am doing is asking you to just listen thats all i need and for those of you who do thank you so very much. during all this i have lost some friends, but also gained some new ones. so i guess it evens its self out in a way. ive been so confused lately that i feel like thats whats been making feel sick all the time, which could be very possible. Well this is all a battle that i have to take on my own as much as no one would want to i know that i have to. this was a lot of babbling for me in a long time and i thank you to those that took the time to read this (as confusing as it may have been). well i think thats all i really feel like typing at the moment so ill leave you all with this
take care
love,
alicia