I just had a very interesting moment, and I had to sit down and share it quickly before I run off to do something else and forget the words, if not the ideas.
I just saw myself and life in a rather shocking context. I saw myself young (as in, within a couple years of now), confident, determined, and in love with someone as physically reckless as I am mentally. I saw her smoking a cigarette and me playfully chiding her for it, not because I cared that she was smoking, but because I loved the fact that I could love her for it. That seems like a simplistic or silly situation, but in the "vision" it was representative of everything we both [do/did/will do] which the other understands not because of an agreement on that one topic but because of the same encompassing life philosophy. Yet at the same time, I saw myself old, dying. I saw myself coming to terms with the fact that the old man laying there waiting to die is the same person who nearly threw a professor out the second floor window of a science center at the edge of memory, the same person who sat drinking a pint of some stout with a ravishing young woman that he loved dearly while she smoked a cancer-stick like it was a game that could never be lost, the same person who dedicated a lifetime of learning and education only to find that it didn't make those last few moments any more comfortable, and the same person who touched the hearts and minds of a few special, talented students and friends, which did help in those last moments. I understood so much in that moment--about myself, about life, about time--that I nearly started crying. The old adage is still as true as always, however... the more I understand, the more I realize how little I really do understand.
...I guess in the meantime, my next goal is to find this reckless person who sees life as I do. Even if we can't lose, what's the harm in winning together?
(Also, if you didn't read my last entry, I just realized that it seems to give a bit of insight into who I am, methinks.)
I just saw myself and life in a rather shocking context. I saw myself young (as in, within a couple years of now), confident, determined, and in love with someone as physically reckless as I am mentally. I saw her smoking a cigarette and me playfully chiding her for it, not because I cared that she was smoking, but because I loved the fact that I could love her for it. That seems like a simplistic or silly situation, but in the "vision" it was representative of everything we both [do/did/will do] which the other understands not because of an agreement on that one topic but because of the same encompassing life philosophy. Yet at the same time, I saw myself old, dying. I saw myself coming to terms with the fact that the old man laying there waiting to die is the same person who nearly threw a professor out the second floor window of a science center at the edge of memory, the same person who sat drinking a pint of some stout with a ravishing young woman that he loved dearly while she smoked a cancer-stick like it was a game that could never be lost, the same person who dedicated a lifetime of learning and education only to find that it didn't make those last few moments any more comfortable, and the same person who touched the hearts and minds of a few special, talented students and friends, which did help in those last moments. I understood so much in that moment--about myself, about life, about time--that I nearly started crying. The old adage is still as true as always, however... the more I understand, the more I realize how little I really do understand.
...I guess in the meantime, my next goal is to find this reckless person who sees life as I do. Even if we can't lose, what's the harm in winning together?
(Also, if you didn't read my last entry, I just realized that it seems to give a bit of insight into who I am, methinks.)
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I was once an addict, but I can say I havent had a French fry in over 5 months. I love them to death but they are the devil so I must stay stronger for the sake of my tummy.