Warning: This entry may resemble rambling, and potentially a bit of borderline-emo whining. I'm not sure yet, as I haven't yet written it, but it feels that it may end up that way.
Happy Endings. That is what most entertainment is based around. The idea of the Happy Ending. Some conflict arises, it is addressed via some combination of conversation, fighting, battles, politics... and eventually, it's worked out. All sympathetic parties walk away happy, as they've had a Happy Ending. Life, however, as one might read in a Robert Jordan novel, consists of no real Beginning or End, but only a continuation from the moments previous. There may be individual "beginnings" and "endings," but they're fleeting, and in no way related to the classic "...and they lived Happily Forever After," ending. So if one can't hope for a Happy Ending, does one begin to hope for a series of Happy Middles? What does a Happy Middle look like? How does one strive for Happy Middles, when every second that passes is a Middle, and it's not currently Happy?
One of the quotes in my profile on LJ is: Live solely in the present, worrying not about either past nor future, for only being happy this moment can truly pave the way for happiness in the next. In theory, that's how you obtain Happy Middles. Be happy now, and prosper. But what if you're not Happy? What if there is Something that is preventing you from truly feeling Happy? Don't get me wrong--the sentiment, as stated by myself, is something that I continue to believe in fully. But I begin to realize how others find it so difficult to understand; you need a proper starting point. I've lost my starting point. Or, rather, I've had too many different starting points recently to properly get my feet, and I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it. Right now, I'm lost. I haven't defined myself here, yet. I just came from a place I lived for over a year, whereat I never defined myself. The only time for over a year and a half where I've had any sense of self, any sense that I knew who I was and what I wanted, was when I was visiting certain friends, who have become as much a part of my life as I am, whether they appreciate that or not.
As sad as it is, I need someone to hold me as I go to sleep, whose presence makes me confident that tomorrow will be a truly bright day, not just a bright day because I'm enforcing my own will to make it so. That life is precious, and worth every second of it. That I'll wake up... and someone will care.
Happy Endings. That is what most entertainment is based around. The idea of the Happy Ending. Some conflict arises, it is addressed via some combination of conversation, fighting, battles, politics... and eventually, it's worked out. All sympathetic parties walk away happy, as they've had a Happy Ending. Life, however, as one might read in a Robert Jordan novel, consists of no real Beginning or End, but only a continuation from the moments previous. There may be individual "beginnings" and "endings," but they're fleeting, and in no way related to the classic "...and they lived Happily Forever After," ending. So if one can't hope for a Happy Ending, does one begin to hope for a series of Happy Middles? What does a Happy Middle look like? How does one strive for Happy Middles, when every second that passes is a Middle, and it's not currently Happy?
One of the quotes in my profile on LJ is: Live solely in the present, worrying not about either past nor future, for only being happy this moment can truly pave the way for happiness in the next. In theory, that's how you obtain Happy Middles. Be happy now, and prosper. But what if you're not Happy? What if there is Something that is preventing you from truly feeling Happy? Don't get me wrong--the sentiment, as stated by myself, is something that I continue to believe in fully. But I begin to realize how others find it so difficult to understand; you need a proper starting point. I've lost my starting point. Or, rather, I've had too many different starting points recently to properly get my feet, and I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it. Right now, I'm lost. I haven't defined myself here, yet. I just came from a place I lived for over a year, whereat I never defined myself. The only time for over a year and a half where I've had any sense of self, any sense that I knew who I was and what I wanted, was when I was visiting certain friends, who have become as much a part of my life as I am, whether they appreciate that or not.
As sad as it is, I need someone to hold me as I go to sleep, whose presence makes me confident that tomorrow will be a truly bright day, not just a bright day because I'm enforcing my own will to make it so. That life is precious, and worth every second of it. That I'll wake up... and someone will care.