Grumble...
WARNING: This is remarkably stupid and depressive.
The closer I come to the edge of everything, the more I think I understand myself. This whole post is a naked self indulgence, and I feel bad allowing it out for anyone else to read. Since I am an egotistical fool, I think that my friends will feel compelled to answer it, to reassure me. And I desperately want that, right now, because I am selfish, and can't even control myself. I am depressed, and so writing all of this will be something I'll regret tomorrow I'm sure. For god's sake, know better than I do and stop reading!
I was talking to ariel and morgan this evening, and I realized I'm more insecure today than I have been in an amazingly long time.
It's amazing how little things will set me off sometimes. Just chatting online, I worry. Am I interesting? Is this conversation useful, or am I just killing time? What does ariel think of me when I'm making stupid jokes? I am a terrible second guesser of myself, and it puts a tremendous burden on other people. I'm constantly looking for outside validation, especially from ariel, and it is about really Stupid stuff. I know ariel loves me. She tells me all the time, expresses it in many ways, and I couldn't possibly ask more of her. Why in the hell do I need validation that she doesn't think some comment I made was dumb?
I see my own failings, and worry that they grate on her as well. Many times, I don't have anything interesting to say. I'm not happy with myself and my current life. I talk too much, I'm a know-it-all. Everyone hates that in particular about me. I hate it about me. How can Ariel not? Why does anyone abide my rediculous grandstanding, my need to be the center of attention? This entire entry is a perfect example of it.
A lot of it is distance, I know. I don't get to see her very much, and that distance becomes a filter. It dampens conversations, removes non-vocal reassurences I need to tell myself not to worry too much.
Another large portion of it is stress. For years, I've felt like I'm lieing to everyone. I'm a failure at school. I'll graduate, but I should have done dramatically better. I've quit, time and again, when things got tough. I take the easy way out. The remainder of my self-worth is predicated on the idea that I'll graduate and get a job, and all of that is in doubt now too. I haven't got a job yet, and I haven't done enough searching. I might not graduate. It's not just me being depressive either, I know when I'm doing that. I have real fear based on fact. I could screw up my life beyond all recognition, right now. Not graduating, or not finding a job, are things I never even considered possible, but now they loom before me, and I don't know what happens if they occur. I seriously cannot envision going back home again with no plan. I desperately need my parents approval and love as well. I want them to be proud of me, but I'm certainly not proud of myself. Facing them prevents me from hiding from reality. What would happen if I went back home? Is it over? Do I lose? Have I given up every great opportunity, failed in the important tasks? Do I even exist any more?
I think I have two modes of existence. One is denial. When I'm with others I don't have to think about my fear and insecurity. I'm also in this mode when playing games or whatnot.
The second mode is the fear and insecurity over-riding me. Right now is a good example. The most irritating part about this mode is that I know I'm in it, and I know what I should do to break out of it, but I can't bring myself to do it.
The third mode should be actually solving my problems. Seeing my own weakness, insecurity, and trying to fix it. Being a good person. I haven't been in this mode in a long time.
I used to say that I needed to pay back what I'd been given. I know it isn't true that I'm a total abject failure. I know that I am still capable of achieving something good, something to balance the terrible waste I've made of many opportunities. This has not actually translated into accomplishment in a long time, however. That is what really scares me.
Grumble.... Great, I'm a great, gothic, egocentric idiot. That's what really sucks about depression, the way it makes you feel that all life revolves around you... It makes you write moronic posts like this one, despite the fact that you know better. I think it's a self destructive tendency. Try to expose yourself, show everyone else how worthless you are, convince them.
Of course, all any of this does is expose my utter lameness.
I'll say one thing positive though. I love ariel. Why she puts up with all my crap, including this post, I'll never know, but I'm glad she does, because she is the light of my life. I hold you in the highest regard, my love. You are my best friend, I've relied on you to pull me through many things, and you've done it. I will, one day, make something of myself again, and it will be because I've had your support.
WARNING: This is remarkably stupid and depressive.
The closer I come to the edge of everything, the more I think I understand myself. This whole post is a naked self indulgence, and I feel bad allowing it out for anyone else to read. Since I am an egotistical fool, I think that my friends will feel compelled to answer it, to reassure me. And I desperately want that, right now, because I am selfish, and can't even control myself. I am depressed, and so writing all of this will be something I'll regret tomorrow I'm sure. For god's sake, know better than I do and stop reading!
I was talking to ariel and morgan this evening, and I realized I'm more insecure today than I have been in an amazingly long time.
It's amazing how little things will set me off sometimes. Just chatting online, I worry. Am I interesting? Is this conversation useful, or am I just killing time? What does ariel think of me when I'm making stupid jokes? I am a terrible second guesser of myself, and it puts a tremendous burden on other people. I'm constantly looking for outside validation, especially from ariel, and it is about really Stupid stuff. I know ariel loves me. She tells me all the time, expresses it in many ways, and I couldn't possibly ask more of her. Why in the hell do I need validation that she doesn't think some comment I made was dumb?
I see my own failings, and worry that they grate on her as well. Many times, I don't have anything interesting to say. I'm not happy with myself and my current life. I talk too much, I'm a know-it-all. Everyone hates that in particular about me. I hate it about me. How can Ariel not? Why does anyone abide my rediculous grandstanding, my need to be the center of attention? This entire entry is a perfect example of it.
A lot of it is distance, I know. I don't get to see her very much, and that distance becomes a filter. It dampens conversations, removes non-vocal reassurences I need to tell myself not to worry too much.
Another large portion of it is stress. For years, I've felt like I'm lieing to everyone. I'm a failure at school. I'll graduate, but I should have done dramatically better. I've quit, time and again, when things got tough. I take the easy way out. The remainder of my self-worth is predicated on the idea that I'll graduate and get a job, and all of that is in doubt now too. I haven't got a job yet, and I haven't done enough searching. I might not graduate. It's not just me being depressive either, I know when I'm doing that. I have real fear based on fact. I could screw up my life beyond all recognition, right now. Not graduating, or not finding a job, are things I never even considered possible, but now they loom before me, and I don't know what happens if they occur. I seriously cannot envision going back home again with no plan. I desperately need my parents approval and love as well. I want them to be proud of me, but I'm certainly not proud of myself. Facing them prevents me from hiding from reality. What would happen if I went back home? Is it over? Do I lose? Have I given up every great opportunity, failed in the important tasks? Do I even exist any more?
I think I have two modes of existence. One is denial. When I'm with others I don't have to think about my fear and insecurity. I'm also in this mode when playing games or whatnot.
The second mode is the fear and insecurity over-riding me. Right now is a good example. The most irritating part about this mode is that I know I'm in it, and I know what I should do to break out of it, but I can't bring myself to do it.
The third mode should be actually solving my problems. Seeing my own weakness, insecurity, and trying to fix it. Being a good person. I haven't been in this mode in a long time.
I used to say that I needed to pay back what I'd been given. I know it isn't true that I'm a total abject failure. I know that I am still capable of achieving something good, something to balance the terrible waste I've made of many opportunities. This has not actually translated into accomplishment in a long time, however. That is what really scares me.
Grumble.... Great, I'm a great, gothic, egocentric idiot. That's what really sucks about depression, the way it makes you feel that all life revolves around you... It makes you write moronic posts like this one, despite the fact that you know better. I think it's a self destructive tendency. Try to expose yourself, show everyone else how worthless you are, convince them.
Of course, all any of this does is expose my utter lameness.
I'll say one thing positive though. I love ariel. Why she puts up with all my crap, including this post, I'll never know, but I'm glad she does, because she is the light of my life. I hold you in the highest regard, my love. You are my best friend, I've relied on you to pull me through many things, and you've done it. I will, one day, make something of myself again, and it will be because I've had your support.
tabarin:
I think i've been in similar situations, I would say that if your not sure where your going, don't set your expectations too high. I think that advice would save me a lot of trouble in retrospect.