daem

Journal 35

It's 5am. I have a deck brush in my hand and a mop bucket beside me. I'm at work. I have to clean the sidewalks of all the shit people drop. Beer, soda, dirt, juice, it makes my feet stick. I'm unhappy. My mind is still reeling from last night's...thing. In a way im embarassed putting it out like I did, but I have a rule about not deleting something I wrote. The unhappiness eats at me. It's my fault. My desire causes me to be unhappy, and to hurt. The bhuddists say to eliminate pain, we have to eliminate desire. People have argued that point. They always lose. Desire. Fuck it. For one week I am going to do without some desires. Mainly self stimulation. This means masturbation, drinking, smoking, ego strumming, ect. No journals for a week. No booze for a week. No cigarettes, or cigars either. No jerking off. Can I do it? Yes.

But to satisfy my one or two readers, today will multi topic day.

I was thinking about what I'd do if I was told that I was going to die in a week. The first thing I'd do is probably cry. I'd do this alone. I hate crying. I hate myself when I cry. I don't do it often, once every few years, if that, but when I do, it's alone.

After that I'd write letters to my mom, dad, JD, Lauren, Randy, Kathy, Al, and a few more of my family. I'd tell them what they mean to me. What they've done. Why I love them, and that I'm thankful that they love me. That after I'm being eaten by worms and maggots, that they remember me whole and only the good things, fuck the bad.

I probably wouldn't have sex. Or wouldn't try. 20 years without getting any, so I'm sure it'd be way down on the list of shit I've never done.

I'd then write to the other people that care about me in any way. Telling them that I'll no longer be around and ask them not to be too sad.

I'd write a will with evreything I own. Then spend time with my dog. I'd quit work. I'd die with my family. Fuck hospitals. That's all that I can think to do. The letters are the most important. Only read after im burried. I'm not so good with the feelings stuff when it comes to most people i know. The best I can usually do is an "I love you" and hope the y catch it in all the context i mean it in.

A strange thing i thought of this morning was that I can't really just lay everything out in my journal. Some things have to go unsaid because of some people who read. If the feelings I have might provoke ill response I would be none too happy, so really I have to keep some shit inside. But Eric why dont you just make a written one? Because that is TOO egotistical. Writing here I can excuse by the 3 or so people who read it, if no one did that would make me feel impossibly foolish. So I'd write with the hopes of it being found and that is far beyond the reaches I am willing to go to.

Blood For Blood wrote a song, and the outro is something like, "What is real nobody can be sure, I've been betrayed so many times before, friends and family will stab you in the heart, there's nowhere to turn when your world is fallinga apart."

I've lost more friends in my life than I'd care to think about. In one year I lost about 17 of them due to fucking drama in our crew. Seriously we all hung out. Then we never did. Only 4 of us remained close (Me, JD, Lauren, EP2 (Randy)). Everyone else left. This seems to be part of life. Everyone leaving. I left them and I regret it, I will go back someday. I never expect any friendship to last. Hell in the 4 or 5 months I've been here, I made and lost a friend who I never got the chance to meet. Now, I'm not sure of it's something i ooze from my personality, or if it's something else. I guess I really annoy some people, but at the same time I don't know how or why. I know a few just grew up and joined the adult world, and some I was never really close to, but fuck, some of those people I've lost I was around every day, so what gives? This puts me back at square one. It's my fault. It's all my fault.

With this i leave you for 7 days.