Journal 34.2
ok so not blank day. i need an out. i got some serious fuckin anger atm. dunno anger or sadness. i just feel like ive lost. at what i dont know but i know i didn't win whatever it was. I hope too much. For all my fucking cynicism, i hold on to dreams with a death grip and thats unhealthy. its a sort of desperation inside too. for something. i hate being indecisive. the highest i come to getting anything i want is second best. jesus christ. only violent thoughts atm. hurting someone to make them feel as shitty as i do seems a damn good idea to me. make someone else feel like shit for a while and maybe something good can come out of it. Im a lost cause but maybe they can help their kids have some semblence of a decent life? i dont know. but i want to blow up. I don't trust anyone really. It gets harder and harder to everyday.
admition to the world: i was almost sucked into the white power scene. no im not racist at all. i really dont care, pretty apathetical to it all, but they have somewhere to point their rage so that they dont feel like a fucking time bomb. its what i feel most times. like im just gonna fucking destroy something in a moment, always on that fucking brink.
i wanna go out into a really crowded placea nd watch all the fucking people. just observe them with what they have. The strange kid with something in his eyes sitting off to the side as they hug and walk by. Fuck the, Fuck their happiness.
Fuck my health im gonna go drink now.
ok so not blank day. i need an out. i got some serious fuckin anger atm. dunno anger or sadness. i just feel like ive lost. at what i dont know but i know i didn't win whatever it was. I hope too much. For all my fucking cynicism, i hold on to dreams with a death grip and thats unhealthy. its a sort of desperation inside too. for something. i hate being indecisive. the highest i come to getting anything i want is second best. jesus christ. only violent thoughts atm. hurting someone to make them feel as shitty as i do seems a damn good idea to me. make someone else feel like shit for a while and maybe something good can come out of it. Im a lost cause but maybe they can help their kids have some semblence of a decent life? i dont know. but i want to blow up. I don't trust anyone really. It gets harder and harder to everyday.
admition to the world: i was almost sucked into the white power scene. no im not racist at all. i really dont care, pretty apathetical to it all, but they have somewhere to point their rage so that they dont feel like a fucking time bomb. its what i feel most times. like im just gonna fucking destroy something in a moment, always on that fucking brink.
i wanna go out into a really crowded placea nd watch all the fucking people. just observe them with what they have. The strange kid with something in his eyes sitting off to the side as they hug and walk by. Fuck the, Fuck their happiness.
Fuck my health im gonna go drink now.