daem

damn, truer words have not been spoken. blank, indeed.

as for NOLA rendevous via bus plan: i'll have to check and see when i'm runnin' off to see warped tour. hopefully soon. i need a vacation.

aw! a haiku!
you can lick my brain anyday.

my life in a nutshell?

sheesh. i think i'm too long-winded and self-obsessed to attempt that. especially these days.

a few fun substance-abuse-related factoids, though:
i started drinking at 13. but i was pretty much straight-edge in highschool.
yup. quit smoking, drinking, the whole nine yards. still ate meat and drank coffee, 'cause man- fuck a bunch of that shit.
weed makes me (more) schitzophrenic. some peaople say, yeah, it'll make you paranoid. no, it makes me hallucinate. not the fun kind of hallucinations. no-sir-ee. the kind where you think you're dead.

kids are cruel. I still have grudges from my elementary days. Kids teasing me on the playground and shit like that. I wouldn't forgive them, not for a second. Fuck them, and their cats. (Can you name that band?)

Goldfinger, that's the band. Don't recall the song it's from, but it's from their self-titled album (the one with the space girl chasing the dude). Funny fucking shit, motherfucker. That's all I can say.

"the only beauty's ugly, man/the crackin' shakin' breakin' sounds're/the ony ones i understand"
-bob dylan

must be something swept in by that damn storm, all this pondering.

masterbatory egoism is the very stuff that dreams -and these online journals -are made of.

i once lost touch with one of the best people i ever knew- the most complicated, most fucked-up, most fuckin' brilliant man i'll ever meet- because we had a falling out about existentialism. stupid shit. don't buy into -isms. take what you need to learn from all of them and use it, but don't let yourself be labeled. that's a tough thing to do, i know, especially in the punk rock/ intellectual/ activist circles.

don't get me wrong- writing is art. and writing lets me get shit out that i can't get out otherwise. but writing, i think, as hinted towards above, is masterbatory. when i write, it's to ease a tension, a frustration. art, true art- writing included- is creative. if journals are jerking off, then "art", in the very vague sense- is sex with the result of procreation.

it's a long fucking road towards coming to terms with yourself. it's not really fitting the pieces together- because they don't fit. the complexity of a personality, the contradictions and the constant conflicts- that's what makes being a human being interesting. i mean, once you've come to peace with yourself, you might as well die, right? it's something we need to hash out over a couple nights and some serious drinking.

so when are you coming to new orleans?

when you're followed by shadows everywhere you go, it just means you're walkin' towards the light.

i've wasted enough space in your journal by now... so i'll shut up and go get more coffee.

your partner in perpetual mental conflict,
xoxoxo, -Hyena.

you know, after about the first few sentences i could tell you were drunk. that's ok. i've been drinking, too. ritualistic drinking. i said prayers for Kudra. she's a member here. one of my favorite peoples on this joint. along we you and ungocnitive. that's probably my top 3. so. ritualistic drinking. if only i didn't acquire so many scars from this shit. woohoo! have i told you i'm a modified voodooist? or is that the wine talking? oh wait... it is the wine. fuck.

$40. if you left july 14 and went back the 17. roundtrip. go to http://www.greyhound.com for times and fares.

everyone has their art. i don't care who you are or what you do. i think it's human nature to want to create- or at least harness something of yourself to share. to pass on. and i agree with the shit about warring- i think that too is human nature. i can be as pissed off about war and terrorism as i want, but deep down i know it must be.

my ex told me this parable once about a snake and a turtle. i'll tell you about it another time. but it definitely changed the way i think about the human race, or at least gave me some justification for our stupidity.

all i have to say is, be careful of the ism's. what i believe doesn't lie within one political, intellectual, sexual or religious stance. and i think i am freer because of it. if you wholly believe something, then fight for it. die for it. but make sure you know what you are doing- you can quickly become very disillusioned with "the cause" when your compatriots are closed-minded fuck-holes.

yours,
xoxoxo, -Hyena.

"some of us don't need excuses to do it"

damn straight

isn't that everyone's dream in a sick, self-centered kind of way: attending your own funeral?

as for suicide. well. i'll tell you from experience that if you try and fail (whether you're trying to die, or just half-assing it for the attention, or what-have-you... me i just wanted some sleep) you come out looking like an even bigger loser.

"wow, dude- you can't even do that right? sheeesh..."

i do wanna go out right, though. pomp and circumstance. none of this bullshit about peace and being "ready"... because i'll never be "ready". i'll have to go kicking and screaming. not that i'm afraid of dying. nope. the afore-mentioned bout with death cleared up those issues. it's more just plain stubborness on my part, i think.

and i want everyone to remember me with a beer in one hand, a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, whiskey, drawing on napkins, yelling at walls and picking fights with frat boys. and i want 'em to remember that i'd never sell out a friend, i was always nice to kids, old people and animals, and that i could raise hell with the best of 'em in a mosh pit.

hell. i figure if anyone does it, i'll be the first bastard to pull a fast one on Death and live forever. well. or die trying.


as you can tell, i too am a little over-obsessed with this whole death business.
xoxo, -Hyena.

"have one of those days when you wanna try heroin? drunk driving's some form of soft suicide..."

take a bus to New Orleans. i'll put you up, feed you schlitz, and we can kill a bottle of bourbon, sit on the floor and play cards. because drunken poker is almost as fun as druken nintendo. and i don't have a t.v. so. poker it is.